Dear Neil: I’m wondering why I cannot trust my heart. Ever since marrying my husband four years ago, I have known something was wrong. After a year of searching, I have finally figured out that I married him based on “cognitive” things that I thought would make a good marriage. The problem is that I’ve […]
Commitment Means Facing Your Fears
Note: This is the third of a three-part series. Click here for part two The following are issues that lead people to fear commitment in their intimate relationships: The fear of giving up the dream. Walking along-side each of us is a dream of the ideal partner, the soul mate, the karmic connection. This is […]
Understanding Fear of Commitment
Note: This is the second of a three-part series. Click here for part one (the quiz) Do you have a fear of commitment? Are you involved with someone who does? The following is a breakdown of the different issues that lead people to fear commitment in their romantic relationships: The quest for perfection. Worrying about […]
A Relationship Requires Two
Dear Neil: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two months, and I’m having a very hard time moving on. About a month into our relationship, while he was drunk, he told me that he was paranoid about getting close to me because he was afraid I would break up with him. During our […]
Inner Shame Prohibits Intimacy
Dear Neil: You’ve recently written about shame. Can you address why some of us feel an inner sense of shame no matter what we say or do? I’m not talking about feeling ashamed when I do something I know to be wrong. That’s having a conscience. I’m talking about feeling unworthy, inadequate, unlovable or not […]
Personal Power Doesn’t Require Anger
Dear Neil: Thanks for your recent column on anger. What’s been fascinating for me is to realize how ill-equipped I am to having any reaction other than anger or feeling like a doormat. Learning to rein in anger is freeing, but if people who have relied on anger for power don’t have any other readily […]
I Put Up My Dukes When…
The following exercise can help you identify when you get angry in your intimate relationship, and can you look beyond your anger and locate the true issues and emotions that cause your anger. Check every statement that describes you at least some of the time in your intimate relationship. I feel anger when… ___ My […]
Being Less Defensive and Reactive
Dear Neil: I seem to get defensive a lot—whenever someone at work criticizes me or suggests how I could have done better, whenever my husband makes a request of me that implies that I’m not doing a good enough job as a wife, whenever my daughter says something that hurts me. Then I get angry, […]
Is Anger Driving Your “Bus”?
Imagine that your life is a bus heading down the streets of your hometown. All your feelings are sitting on the seats—sadness, love, fear, happiness, anger, loneliness, etc.—chatting with each other. All of them are equal in power than the others. And you’re driving the bus. You’re in control of your life. Then suddenly there’s […]
Good Relationships Are Hard to Achieve
If there is a trend I’ve noticed in the 23 years I have been a relationship and marriage therapist, it’s that many people never enter a healthy intimate relationship, and even fewer know how to maintain a healthy relationship over time. Here are some of the ways people sabotage their relationships: Single people are having […]