Hearing “I Want a Divorce” Can Feel as Though the Floor Has Disappeared
Your first reaction may be panic. You may want to persuade, promise, plead, argue, remind your spouse of everything good you’ve shared, or desperately prove that you can change.
Those reactions are understandable. But if your spouse has felt unhappy for a long time, pressure can sometimes cause them to pull away even more.
The First Question Isn’t “How Do I Stop the Divorce?”
A more useful question is: “Is there enough willingness left for the two of us to honestly examine what happened to our relationship before making an irreversible decision?”
That’s very different from demanding that your spouse promise to stay. Someone can be genuinely uncertain about remaining married and still be willing to explore whether the relationship can feel different.
“I Don’t Know” Is Different From “I’ve Made My Final Decision”
There is a meaningful difference between “I don’t know if I want to stay married” and “I have made my decision and I’m unwilling to reconsider it.”
Ambivalence is painful, but it also means uncertainty still exists. If your spouse is willing to understand what happened, participate sincerely in the process and experience whether the relationship can change, there may still be something to work with.
Don’t Make Promises You Cannot Yet Prove
Your spouse may already have heard “I’ll change,” “I’ll listen more,” “I’ll stop getting angry,” or “I’ll do whatever you want.” If the relationship has been deteriorating for years, promises may no longer carry much weight.
What may matter more is whether the two of you can begin having a different experience with each other: less criticism, less defensiveness, more accountability, more understanding, greater emotional safety and actual evidence that change is occurring.
Don’t merely promise your spouse a different relationship. Create an opportunity for the two of you to experience one.
The Purpose Is Not Saving the Relationship at Any Cost
When one person is ambivalent, the goal should not be manipulating them into staying. The goal is to understand what happened, what caused hope to disappear, what needs to change and what remains emotionally alive between you.
Then both of you can make important decisions from a clearer place.
When Time Matters
If divorce is being seriously discussed, you may not feel that you have six or twelve months to discover whether one weekly hour gradually creates enough change. A private 2–5 day intensive gives us 5–6 hours a day for several consecutive days to work deeply and continuously with your relationship.
No therapist and no format can guarantee that your spouse will decide to stay. But an intensive can give both of you an opportunity to determine whether something valuable between you is still repairable.
Before you decide your marriage is over, give yourselves the opportunity to find out.
Neil Rosenthal
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
46 years of clinical experience
Author of a bestselling relationship book and more than 1,000 relationship articles published in newspapers around the world
(720) 331-5564