Weekly Couples Therapy Can Be Extremely Valuable—but Some Relationships Need More Time
There is nothing inherently inadequate about meeting with a couples therapist once a week. For many couples, it works very well.
But not every relationship problem fits comfortably into a 50-minute appointment. Some couples arrive with years of unresolved hurt. They are having explosive arguments, one partner has emotionally withdrawn, trust has collapsed, separation is being discussed, or they have already spent months in therapy and understand the problem without being able to change it.
For these couples, the limitation may not be the quality of the therapist.
It may be the amount of uninterrupted time available to do the work.
The Stop-and-Start Problem
A typical session begins and you describe what’s happened since the previous appointment. An important issue emerges, the conversation deepens, and something emotionally significant finally appears. Then time is up.
Another week passes. Daily life resumes and something new happens. At the next appointment, the newest problem may take priority over what you were finally beginning to address the previous week.
Again, some couples do beautifully in this format. Others repeatedly run out of time at precisely the wrong moment.
What Several Uninterrupted Hours Can Change
A private relationship intensive provides 5–6 hours a day for several consecutive days. That gives us time to understand the destructive patterns between you, get underneath anger and defensiveness to the hurt or fear beneath them, work through conflicts that have remained unresolved, and practice communicating differently while I am there.
We can address withdrawal rather than merely discussing it, begin rebuilding trust, work on affection and connection, and create concrete agreements about what each person will do differently. We can also return to an important subject after lunch instead of seven days later.
An Intensive Isn’t Simply Compressed Weekly Therapy
The objective isn’t to cram a dozen conventional therapy sessions into three days. Extended time changes how the work can be done.
We can follow an issue where it leads, stop and practice, revisit something after emotions settle, and work with the relationship while it is happening in front of us. We can also see how the different problems in your relationship connect rather than treating each one as an isolated event.
When Might an Intensive Make Sense?
I would particularly consider an intensive when a relationship is deteriorating faster than weekly therapy is helping, separation is being discussed, the couple is trapped in long-standing conflict, one partner has significantly withdrawn, previous couples counseling has not produced enough movement, or both partners understand the problem but remain unable to change their pattern.
An intensive can also be useful when there is substantial unresolved resentment or hurt and the couple needs enough time to work with several interconnected problems rather than addressing them piecemeal.
An Intensive Isn’t for Every Couple
If your relationship is fundamentally stable and you’re working through a contained problem, weekly counseling may be entirely adequate.
The right question isn’t, “Are intensives better than weekly therapy?”
It is:
“What amount and format of therapeutic time does our relationship need right now?”
What Amount of Therapeutic Time Does Your Relationship Need?
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 46 years of clinical experience, the author of a bestselling relationship book, and the author of more than 1,000 relationship articles published in newspapers around the world. I specialize in completely private 2–5 day couples and marriage intensives in Colorado.
If you’re wondering whether your relationship has reached the point where another weekly hour isn’t enough, call me. I’ll talk with you about whether an intensive is appropriate for the two of you.
Neil Rosenthal
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Complimentary consultation: (720) 331-5564