Every Relationship Has Problems. Not Every Troubled Relationship Is in Crisis
Couples disagree, disappoint one another, go through stressful periods and sometimes feel less connected. Those experiences alone do not necessarily mean the relationship is in serious trouble.
But sometimes the problem is no longer one difficult issue. The relationship itself is beginning to deteriorate, and the question gradually changes from “How do we solve this?” to “Are we going to make it?”
That is a very different place.
Warning Signs I Take Seriously
I become more concerned when a couple repeatedly fights about the same issues without resolving them; when anger has hardened into long-standing resentment; when criticism and defensiveness have become normal; or when one person has emotionally withdrawn. Other important warning signs include avoiding significant subjects because talking makes things worse, no longer confiding in one another, losing affection or sexual closeness, and feeling more like roommates than intimate partners.
I also take it seriously when someone feels lonely even while sitting beside their partner, when one person has begun considering separation, or when a couple has tried counseling but remains deeply stuck.
No single sign proves that a relationship is doomed. But when several of these conditions have become part of ordinary life together, I would not dismiss them.
Fighting Isn’t the Only Danger
Some couples assume their relationship cannot be in terrible shape because they rarely argue anymore. Sometimes that means they have learned to resolve their differences well. But sometimes a relationship becomes quiet because one or both people have stopped trying.
There is less fighting, but also less affection, vulnerability, curiosity, sexuality, reaching and hope.
Anger can sometimes mean that two people are still fighting for something. Indifference may mean that they have begun giving up.
The Invisible Separation
Two people can remain together while gradually ceasing to function as an emotional couple. They live in the same home, coordinate schedules, take care of children, pay bills and may appear perfectly normal to friends and family. But emotionally, they increasingly live separate lives.
The longer this continues, the more normal the distance can begin to feel. Eventually one or both partners may have psychologically left the relationship long before anyone actually moves out.
Don’t Wait for the Final Crisis
Many couples seek intensive help only after someone announces, “I’m done.” Sometimes meaningful repair is still possible at that point, but it is far better to address serious deterioration while both people retain some willingness to reach for each other.
If you recognize your relationship in this description, don’t automatically assume it is too late. But I also would not assume that waiting will repair it.
When Your Relationship Is Approaching a Breaking Point
A relationship that is steadily deteriorating usually needs something to interrupt that deterioration.
I offer completely private 2–5 day couples and marriage intensives in Colorado. There are no groups and no other couples. For 5–6 hours a day, the focus is exclusively on the two of you and the problems threatening your relationship.
Before you decide the relationship is over, give yourselves the opportunity to find out what may still be repairable.
Neil Rosenthal
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
46 years of clinical experience
Author of a bestselling relationship book and more than 1,000 relationship articles published in newspapers around the world
(720) 331-5564