“We Just Can’t Communicate Anymore”
I’ve heard versions of that statement from couples throughout my clinical career. Usually they can communicate perfectly well about ordinary things—what time dinner is, who is picking someone up or whether a bill was paid.
The trouble begins when the subject matters emotionally. Money, sex, parenting, trust, in-laws, feeling neglected or something painful from the past can turn an ordinary conversation into a fight remarkably quickly.
Communication Breaks Down When Emotional Safety Breaks Down
If I expect you to criticize me, I begin the conversation ready to defend myself. If I expect you to dismiss me, I speak more forcefully because I desperately want you to hear me. If I expect you to get angry, I may withhold what I really think. If I expect you to withdraw, I may pursue you harder.
Soon neither person is responding simply to the words being spoken. Each is responding to what they expect the other person to do next.
You say, “Can we talk about something?” and your partner hears, “Here comes another criticism.” You say, “I feel distant from you,” and your partner hears, “Everything is my fault.” Your partner says, “I need a little space,” and you hear, “I don’t love you anymore.”
The conversation can begin going wrong before either person has fully said what they mean.
Good Communication Isn’t Simply Using the Right Words
Couples can learn “I statements” and still fight. Healthy communication requires being able to listen without preparing your rebuttal, hear your partner’s hurt without immediately defending yourself, express anger without attacking, and take responsibility without adding “but you did it too.”
It also means staying engaged when you would rather shut down, speaking honestly without using honesty as a weapon, and working toward understanding rather than victory.
The Real Goal Is Emotional Safety
I don’t simply want couples to become better conversationalists. The deeper goal is for each partner to feel, “I can bring something difficult to you and trust that we have a reasonable chance of working through it together.”
That is what creates enough emotional safety for intimacy.
When Every Important Conversation Becomes a Fight
Repeated failed conversations eventually change the relationship. One person may become louder while the other becomes quieter. Resentment builds, important subjects go underground and emotional distance grows.
If you have repeatedly tried to communicate differently but cannot stop the pattern once emotions rise, you may need help while the pattern is actually happening. A private 2–5 day couples intensive gives us enough time to slow those conversations down, understand what each person is reacting to and practice a very different way of hearing and responding to one another.
Communication changes when you stop treating each other as the problem and begin treating the destructive cycle between you as the problem.
Neil Rosenthal
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
46 years of clinical experience
Author of a bestselling relationship book and more than 1,000 relationship articles published in newspapers around the world
(720) 331-5564