“I Love You, but I Don’t Know Whether I Want to Stay”
Few sentences create more anxiety. One partner desperately wants to repair the relationship while the other isn’t certain there is enough left to repair.
You may wonder whether couples counseling can possibly help if one person isn’t even sure they want the relationship.
Sometimes it can. But the goal has to be realistic.
Ambivalence Tells Us Something Important
An uncertain partner may not necessarily be saying, “I don’t want you.” Sometimes what they are really saying is, “I cannot continue living in this version of our relationship.”
Those are not necessarily the same statement.
The important question is whether the relationship itself is unwanted or whether the painful relationship the two of you have created has become intolerable.
What Should Be Understood Before Making a Major Decision?
I would want both of you to explore when the relationship began deteriorating, what hurts remain unresolved, when the uncertain partner began losing hope and what each person believes would have to change.
I would also want to know what remains between you. Is there still respect, affection, attachment, concern, friendship or desire? Can either of you imagine feeling differently if the relationship itself became different?
And there is one particularly important question:
Are both of you willing to participate genuinely in finding out what is still possible?
One Person Cannot Repair a Two-Person Relationship Alone
One partner can certainly change. You can become less defensive, communicate better, stop escalating conflict or become more emotionally available, and those changes may significantly influence the relationship.
But sustained repair ultimately requires participation from both people. That doesn’t mean both partners have to begin equally hopeful. It means both need to be willing to engage honestly.
The Purpose Isn’t to Predetermine the Answer
Sometimes couples discover that their relationship can become substantially better than either expected. Sometimes they gain clarity that leads them in another direction.
The purpose of an intensive is not to manipulate either person into staying. It is to help you understand what happened, determine what might still be repairable and experience what the relationship feels like when you begin interacting differently.
Then you can make important decisions from a clearer place.
Is Willingness Enough to Begin?
If one of you is uncertain but genuinely willing, that may be enough to begin.
Neil Rosenthal
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
46 years of clinical experience
Author of a bestselling relationship book and more than 1,000 relationship articles published in newspapers around the world
Complimentary consultation: (720) 331-5564