Ah, springtime. The time when nature wakes up again. Birds migrate back to the north. Plants burst out of the ground with a profusion of green everywhere. Flowers bloom. Fish spawn. Animals breed. All of nature comes alive. Including us. And the way many of us express that aliveness, stimulated by springtime, is through urges […]
Quiz: These Are My Needs
What are your needs in an intimate relationship? This is an exercise in self-discovery, adapted from Philip McGraw’s The Relationship Rescue Workbook (Hyperion). As you recognize and acknowledge your needs, you create a path toward getting those needs met. For every need that applies to you, put X on the line to the left of it. […]
How “Noisy” is It Inside Your Head?
Dear Neil: You have recently written about our “inner critic” and how we handle our mistakes. I seem to be forever plagued by emotionally wrenching emotions. I am pregnant, and I am extremely torn about what to do. On the one hand, I would love to have a child. On the other hand, I’m not […]
Good Relationships Are Hard to Achieve
If there is a trend I’ve noticed in the 23 years I have been a relationship and marriage therapist, it’s that many people never enter a healthy intimate relationship, and even fewer know how to maintain a healthy relationship over time. Here are some of the ways people sabotage their relationships: Single people are having […]
Living Parallel Lives
Have you ever wondered how committed couples begin to fall apart? Typically one person gets preoccupied at work, or with the kids, or with day-to-day living or with worries. The other person gradually notices the partner/spouse/lover is more preoccupied and less emotionally present, and unconsciously adjusts his/her own emotional presence to match. This is subtle […]
Volatility is Not Love
Dear Neil: I am in a three year relationship with “Goeff” who is extremely unpredictable and volatile in his emotions. Although he has never physically lost control of himself, emotionally he can get set off by anything—making a request that he do something different, disappointing him in some way or getting upset at him over […]
To Not Feel So Depressed Learn How to “Pivot”
Dear Neil: I was recently rejected by a woman I was hoping to marry, and I am really hurting badly. I tried so very hard in the relationship, gave it so much, was so loving, romantic, generous, patient, forgiving and accommodating, but I was still rejected. I still want a relationship, and I still want […]
Making Peace With Your Parents
Dear Neil: My mother and I have never been close. I had to fend for myself as I was growing up and never got care and comfort from her on an emotional level. She has the beginning of dementia, as well as physical problems. She requires a lot of watching over and supervision, and I […]
Expressing Love and Appreciation to Your Valentine
When was the last time you told your Valentine how valued s/he was? How special? What you appreciate and how much you appreciate him or her? In honor of Valentine’s Day, here is an exercise if you’d like to correct that oversight—and infuse your relationship with renewed appreciation and gratitude. Select from the following list […]
Valentine Lessons in Being the Best You Can Be
Following is a list of Valentine suggestions for how to be the very best partner, spouse, lover and/or mate you can be. Don’t use lame excuses to avoid doing your very best in your intimate relationship, such as “I don’t have the time or the energy.” If your mate doesn’t rank up there with your […]