NOTE: THIS IS THE FIRST OF A TWO-PART SERIES Dear Neil: Can you help me with why I lose my temper and fly into a fit of rage whenever I am disappointed or hurt? I don’t like this aspect of myself, and would like to change it. What happens to me? How can I learn […]
Improving Self-Esteem Requires Your On-Going Effort
Dear Neil: I have had low self-esteem all my life, and have frequently heard people tell me that I should improve my self-esteem. How do I improve my self-esteem? Unsure in Boulder, Colorado Dear Unsure: Try writing down your answers to the following questions taken from Nathaniel Brandon. Create multiple answers for each question for […]
Controlling Judgement of Yourself—and Others
NOTE: THIS IS THE SECOND OF A TWO-PART SERIES Let’s say your father is a judgmental man who is constantly commenting on the shortcomings of others. You are likely to develop a strong Inner Critic who picks up your father’s judgments and uses them against you. Underneath it all, your Critic is hoping to make […]
Do You Know Your Inner Critic?
NOTE: THIS IS FIRST OF A TWO-PART SERIES Do you know your Inner Critic? The Inner Critic develops in our youth to protect us from being shamed or hurt. It is extremely anxious, and almost desperate for us to succeed in the world and be accepted by others. So the Inner Critic sees, hears and […]
Rules For Living
Here is a set of rules for living well and having a good life. Violate these rules for living—and your happiness and contentment will dramatically diminish. Regrets don’t come from trying and not succeeding. Not trying your hardest to do something you dream of—is what makes you have regrets. Live in your honor and integrity—or […]
Depression Effects Marriage
Dear Neil: My relationship with my husband has recently gone downhill. I have been depressed for a long time, and just haven’t had the energy to give to him; I haven’t been attentive, sexual, enthusiastic, happy or fun. I would like our relationship to improve, but I don’t know what to do. Can you help? […]
What Factors Determine Whether You Heal From Childhood Abuse?
Dear Neil: Your column about incest and rape brought up a question I hope you can address. I am survivor of long-term (9 years) childhood incest, and I was later raped as a teenager. I have attended support groups for survivors, and 12-step programs for co-dependency. I have been in and out of counseling, and […]
Abusive Childhood Can Hurt Adult Intimate Relationships
Dear Neil: Would you address the effects of childhood sexual/emotional abuse on adult intimate relationships? I have just finished a four-and-a-half year relationship that ended painfully. The relationship confronted me with the effects that my childhood abuse has had to make good partner choices, on my ability to trust, to commit and to be emotionally […]
Obsessing About The Past
Dear Neil: I have liked a guy since I was fifteen years old. A lot of time has gone by, and I have rarely seen him, but I still care and think about him every day. I recently found out that he is married and has a child. You would think this information would make […]
Frustrated Man More Committed Than The Woman He’s Dating
Dear Neil: I am increasingly frustrated at what I think is “Robin’s” emotional unavailability. I find myself giving far more to the relationship (and to her) than I receive back. She shows very little emotion or sexual passion, and there is not much of “we” in the relationship. It’s mostly about her and her children. […]