Note: This is the first of a two-part series Dear Neil: I am 26 and have been engaged for just over a year. For the past five months, I have asked my fiancé to do some housework. After asking three or four times, I get extremely upset, start yelling and we end up fighting. How […]
Reduce Your Attachment
in Order to Let Go of a Relationship Dear Neil: I have recently been dumped by my partner of two years. The worst thing seems to be that I am finding it very hard to let go. Can you recommend anything that will help? Lost In New Zealand Dear Neil: My husband and I split […]
What Factors Determine Whether You Heal From Childhood Abuse?
Dear Neil: Your column about incest and rape brought up a question I hope you can address. I am survivor of long-term (9 years) childhood incest, and I was later raped as a teenager. I have attended support groups for survivors, and 12-step programs for co-dependency. I have been in and out of counseling, and […]
Going All Out: Increasing Your Attachment
Dear Neil: My wife accuses me of being disattached and emotionally withdrawn in our relationship. What can I do to increase my level of attachment and become closer to her? Distant in San Antonio, Texas Dear Distant: In a way, this is the same question as to how you could be a better spouse and lover. […]
Why Do I Choke Up With Attractive Women?
Dear Neil: Why do I tense up and act awkward around beautiful or attractive women? Normally I’m self-confident and self-assured, being a successful, well established, socially adept, 45 year-old entrepreneur with a good reputation and a lot of money. What is it about beautiful or attractive women that makes me act like an awkward adolescent […]
Should I Stay Or Leave? (Part 3)
Note: This is the third of a three-part series. This is the conclusion of a series of questions designed to assist you in determining whether you should stay in or leave a relationship: Would you lose anything important in your life if your partner were no longer your partner? Is what you’d lose something that […]
Should I Stay Or Leave? (Part 2)
Note: This is the second of a three-part series. This is a continuation of a step-by-step guide to help you determine whether you should stay in or leave a relationship: Stepping back from any temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you? If it’s clear […]
Should I Stay Or Leave? (Part 1)
Note: This is the first of a three-part series. How and when does one decide to leave a relationship that is no longer working, and what are the implications of making such a decision? “I have lived the past 25 years with my husband in a loveless relationship,” writes a woman from Milwaukee. “I grew […]
Loving Well
The lover’s perspective on life is binocular rather than monocular, plural rather than singular, communal rather than individual. The lover lives within an experience of life in which the “we” is as real as “I.” In love, the rigid structure of our personality, our limited sense of what is possible, our defense mechanisms, our habit […]
The Art of Loving Well
When I focus on the question “How can I become a more loving human being?” a wild bunch of interesting questions burst forth. What is love? How do I define it? How much do I love? How can I measure it? If I discover that I’m not a very loving person, is there any way […]