In a conflict with your mate, have you ever been flooded with anger? When you get flooded, you feel emotionally and physically overwhelmed. Most likely you think thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) or innocent victimhood (“Why is s/he always picking on me?”) Meanwhile, your heart is pounding, you’re reactive […]
Trusting Yourself Again is Key to Getting Beyond Betrayal
Dear Neil: I was blindsided by my ex-husband. He fell in love with another woman while I thought we were happily married. The day after we divorced four years ago, he married her. Since then, I haven’t been willing to get really close to another man, fearing the same thing would happen again. Could you […]
Don’t Over-Generalize Relationship Problems
Dear Neil: My girlfriend is a wonderful woman in every way but one. But this one thing makes me question whether we could ever be compatible with each other long-term. She lets everything go till the last minute. You name it—bills, showing up for an appointment on time, washing dishes, doing the laundry, cleaning her […]
Boundaries vs. Walls
Dear Neil: I have been told I have poor boundaries—and that I occasionally violate other people’s boundaries. Could you address the issue of boundaries: What are they? How do they differ from pushing people away? When is it appropriate to push people away, and how does that differ from having appropriate boundaries? Questioning in Seattle […]
Games Some Couples Play
Here are some common—albeit negative—games many couples unwittingly play with each other. Have you ever played any of these games with your spouse/partner? Argumentative and oppositional. Some people tend to be argumentative and oppositional, picking on their partners to get a rise out of them. One or both parties are driven to turmoil, so there […]
Want to be Heard Better?
Try This Communication Exercise Note: This is the second of a two-part series. What would it mean to say “I love you” if I neither hear you—nor care what you feel—nor exhibit any real desire to better get to know how you feel? Many people do not love mindfully. Some men and women are very […]
How Does a Couple Deepen The Intimacy and Commitment Between Them?
Dear Neil: I have lived with my boyfriend for 10 months. A couple of weeks ago he went out with a long-time female friend of his, and he didn’t get home until 3 a.m. on a Tuesday night. I questioned him about where he was, and he said “at a bar,” which I later found […]
Why Would Spouse Want a Celibate Marriage?
Dear Neil: Would you discuss the issue of celibate marriage, especially where one partner is frustrated by the whole situation? Going Without in New Zealand Dear Going Without: In a marriage where one person consistently refuses or is repelled by sex with the other person, several explanations may be possible. The first possibility is that […]
The Invisible Divorce
Ways In Which We Emotionally “Exit” Our Relationships In which ways do you emotionally “exit” your intimate relationship? An “exit” is a way of preventing or avoiding closeness and connection by acting out a feeling rather than talking about it. For example, you may watch TV to avoid making love because you are hurt or […]
Making a Commitment Isn’t Easy but it is Rewarding
Note: This is the second of a two-part series. Here are more ideas on how you can overcome the fear of commitment: Know yourself and recognize the pattern about how you behave in relationships. Know whether you actively run from commitment, or if you choose unavailable or inappropriate partners. Know the point in any relationship […]