Note: This is the first of a two-part series. Do you often find your intimate partner to be too busy to be emotionally available to you? Do you have trouble getting him/her to really listen to you? To open up to you? To trust you? To share his/her true feelings with you? Do you get […]
The Invisible Divorce
Ways In Which We Emotionally “Exit” Our Relationships In which ways do you emotionally “exit” your intimate relationship? An “exit” is a way of preventing or avoiding closeness and connection by acting out a feeling rather than talking about it. For example, you may watch TV to avoid making love because you are hurt or […]
Relationships Require Reciprocity
Recognize When Someone Is Walled Off to You Dear Neil: I have been involved with my boyfriend for three months now and our relationship has gone from bad to worse. The only great day we’ve had together was our first date. From the day we started going out I’ve tried to get close to him, […]
Quiz: Are You Walled Off?
Do you have a guarded heart? Do you have a wall around your heart that prohibits genuine intimacy, even with the people you love and feel closest to? Take this quiz to find out: Do you get angry a lot with your mate, even over small things? Do you tend to be mistrusting, only to […]
Indifference
Protections Lead to Distant Relationships “I’m stuck. I want to be close to my boyfriend, but I have been burned by men in the past, and I’m afraid to emotionally let go and permit myself to fall in love,” writes Jenny A. from San Diego. “Josh is a wonderful man. He’s bright, good-looking, charming, educated, […]
Why Does Daughter Avoid Intimate Relationships With Men?
Dear Neil: Please tell me what’s wrong with my 38-year-old daughter. She’s very attractive, physically fit, ambitious and has many interests. She’s financially secure, independent, doesn’t smoke or drink, and has no criminal or psychiatric history. The problem? She never dates. She’s had only two several-month relationships that I know of: when she was twenty-five […]
Distant Intimacy
Choosing “Safe” People “I was raised in a very “dysfunctional” family,” writes Lisa F. of Denver. “My parents divorced when I was very young. My father was absent for most of my childhood, except for brief visits once a year. My mother worked long hours to provide for us, and we moved in excess of […]
“Porcupine” Spouses Hard to Communicate With
Some people are like a walled-off garden. There is something beautiful inside them, but for some reason the beauty has been locked away….hidden behind a seemingly insurmountable wall. Let’s call these non-communicators “porcupines.” Porcupines don’t want to interact with other animals. They just want to be left alone. If you watch a curious young dog […]
Reconnect and Re-Engage With Spouse
Dear Neil: I’m writing in response to your recent column on “approach-avoidance” behavior. I am a victim of this behavior, because I find intimate relationships painful. I feel torn by two feelings. Part of me wants to be close and loved, and the other part of me just wants to be left alone. I’ve been […]
Approach-Avoidance Behavior Hurtful to a Relationship
Distant Intimacy is Confusing Dear Neil: I am an attractive professional woman in my early 40’s, and have recently been dating a man who is seven years younger than myself. The start of our relationship was made in heaven: there was a lot of love and infatuation. Suddenly after two months, everything was off, as […]