Answer the following questions from 1 = NO to 4 = YES.
(Take this assessment yourself, then ask your spouse to take it.)

• Do you get angry a lot with your mate, even over small things?
• Are you frequently sarcastic?
• Are you having an affair, or is there a history of affairs in your relationship?
• Do you tend to focus on your mate’s shortcomings or bad traits more than his/her good traits?
• Do you berate your spouse for making mistakes, or do you use mistakes as leverage against him/her?
• Do you have the tendency of pushing away intimacy and closeness when it’s offered to you, but then wanting it when it’s not offered?
• Have you been accused by your partner of being emotionally unavailable, remote or hard to be close to?
• Do you have a difficult time trusting?
• Do you tend to be emotionally hidden in your relationship, fearing that you’ll be discovered as somehow inadequate or fraudulent?
• Do you have a fear of being controlled or of losing your identity in this relationship?
• Do you have a fear of getting rejected, abandoned or betrayed in this relationship?
• Do you tend to put your mate in second or third position a lot?
• Are you very critical or judgmental of your spouse?
• Do you take constructive criticism from your mate poorly?
• Do you tend to get mean, punishing or vindictive when you’re upset?
• Do you have a pattern of not giving your relationship a whole lot of effort?
• Do you have a pattern of withdrawing or emotionally withholding yourself a lot?
• Do you lament not being close friends with your partner?
• Do you drink too much, watch too much TV, worry too much or have an addiction to any substance or potentially harmful behavior?
• Do you sometimes push your partner away because you don’t wish to be dependent or beholden?
• Do you feel the future of your relationship is hopeless?
• Do you tend to be conflict avoidant, avoiding issues or conflicts instead of addressing them?
• Is trust an issue in this relationship?
• Have you lost affection, romance or passion with your partner?
• Do you have the vague sense that you repeatedly sabotage love?

If you score 40 or under, your relationship may be able to improve, but you’re generally doing well.
If you score between 41–60, your relationship is distressed but appears very treatable.
If you score between 61–75, your relationship is highly distressed, but is still treatable.
If you score 76 or above, your relationship is in trouble and needs help immediately.
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