Distant Intimacy is Confusing Dear Neil: I am an attractive professional woman in my early 40’s, and have recently been dating a man who is seven years younger than myself. The start of our relationship was made in heaven: there was a lot of love and infatuation. Suddenly after two months, everything was off, as […]
Next time you’re trying to defuse a conflict with someone who’s angry or upset, use the Psychotherapist’s Tool to talk the person through his or her emotions rather than trying to talk him or her out it of them. What is the Psychotherapist’s Tool? It involves paraphrasing back what someone has said in an effort […]
What do you do in a conflict when someone says something unfair or unkind? Do you get aggressive? Defensive? Do you remain silent because you don’t know what to say? Do you speak up but later wish you hadn’t? Do you think of the perfect response later on? It’s natural to take offense if someone […]
Dear Neil: I used to be a very jealous wife, and am happy to tell you that I have changed. My jealousy and fits of rage were rooted in insecurity. Partly, I have baggage because my father was disloyal to my mother. Partly, it was that I was bashful and quiet, and my husband is […]
Dear Neil: I have just moved in with my boyfriend after a year of dating. He is the kindest, most wonderful man, and he is my best friend. But I cannot purge the memory of an old relationship from four years ago. My current relationship lacks the intensity of the former, but I feel that […]
Dear Neil: What can you tell me about people who are “control freaks,” those people who need to control their children and their partners? Wellington, New Zealand Dear Wellington: There are two kinds of power. The first is POWER OVER. The other is PERSONAL POWER. POWER OVER shows up as control and dominance: someone expects […]
Dear Neil: With all the recent media focus on ookill Clinton’s infidelity, I would be interested in your assessment of how important fidelity is to the average couple. You occasionally hear of surveys that say infidelity is rather common. How important do you think fidelity is to the typical intimate relationship and/or marriage? Sydney, Australia […]
Let’s say you are Bill Clinton, and you wish to repair the relationship and regain the trust back from your wife Hillary, after you have publicly acknowledged that you have been unfaithful to her. For anyone who has been—or is currently in—this situation, this is what I would advise the person in Bill’s position (the […]
Many people come to marriage therapists because of a betrayal or an infidelity. The recent admission by U.S. President Bill Clinton that he has been unfaithful to his wife is a scene similar to those played out in marriage therapist’s offices everywhere. But how do you repair a betrayal? How does a woman in the […]
s…and is a poor way of resolving differences In a fight or argument, what is your fight style? Does one of you run from conflict, refuse to talk about a disagreement, withdraw, cry, shut down or emotionally disappear in the face of conflict? If so, you fit the description of “conflict avoidant.” Regardless as to […]