Do you suspect that your partner is secretly seeing someone else? That someone may be chasing after him/her? That your partner may be attracted to someone else? That s/he may be physically or emotionally intimate with another person behind your back? That s/he has a weak spot for other men/women? Jealousy is an emotion that […]
Ambivalence: The Hamlet Syndrome
Dear Neil: I’m hoping you can help me figure out what I’m doing wrong in my romantic relationships. I meet a nice man, we date several times, he starts to make intimations of getting closer, and I freak out and end our relationship. I then meet another man. We date a few times, I find […]
Are You Safe to be Vulnerable Around?
Note: This is the first of a two-part series Aimee is standing in front of the mirror staring at herself. “Gary…do you think I need to get my nose fixed?” If Gary’s goal is a closer partnership, he needs to create safety for Aimee. And that means passing up the opportunity to make a joke […]
Do you “Should” on Yourself?
Most of us operate from a value system that dictates how we should behave. But inevitably, we’re unable to live up to all of our “shoulds.” When that happens, do you view yourself as bad or weak, or do you torture yourself with guilt and self-blame? Below you’ll find a list of “shoulds” taken from […]
You and The Wizard of Oz
Let’s say you and several of your closest friends decide to take a far-away trip in order to get advice from a wise old wizard. If the above story line sounds totally off the wall to you, consider this as a parable that just may have modern-day value for you. So follow the yellow brick […]
Healing Sorrow Through Grieving
Dear Neil: I wonder if you could write about the slow ending of a relationship through a long illness. Thanks. Grieving in Wellington, New Zealand Dear Grieving: To say “goodbye” to someone is accepting that a connection has ended. It means breaking the energetic connection that keeps you tied together. It is essential if you […]
Exercises to Enhance Closeness and Intimacy
The following is a collection of couples enrichment exercises taken from the “Brief Couples Therapy Homework Planner” by Gary Schultheis, Bill O’Hanlon and Steffanie O’Hanlon (John Wiley and Sons). Try these exercises out as a way of enriching and deepening the intimacy between you: Find five things you would do if you were really in […]
The Faces of Diversion and Distraction
Dear Neil: I sometimes get aggressively hostile toward my boyfriend, even though I know he doesn’t mean me harm with what he says. But when he says something negative or critical of me, or even just something that I’d rather he not feel or (not say), I can get seriously angry, hostile and mean to […]
How Do I Earn Back Trust?
Dear Neil: I was dating the most wonderful girl in the world. The only girl who I have thought about being with for the rest of my life. She was the best thing that ever happened to me—and I cheated on her. I don’t know why I cheated, but I did. I am twenty-three and […]
Communicating When You Are Hurt, Angry, or Upset
Dear Neil: Would you clarify where the appropriate place is for anger? My husband thinks my anger is inappropriate when he has periodic communication with a woman whom he has been having an “emotional affair” with for the past two and a half years. Unfortunately, the only way I’ve actually succeeded in stopping their communication, […]