Dear Neil: Could you address the subject of anger? I have been angry at my wife for years, but I’m having a hard time figuring out why I get as angry as I do at her. Even small things I can escalate into major offenses, and I am angry often at her. But I also […]
Quiz: Do You Get Flooded With Anger?
In a conflict with your mate, have you ever been flooded with anger? When you get flooded, you feel emotionally and physically overwhelmed. Most likely you think thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) or innocent victimhood (“Why is s/he always picking on me?”) Meanwhile, your heart is pounding, you’re reactive […]
Trusting Yourself Again is Key to Getting Beyond Betrayal
Dear Neil: I was blindsided by my ex-husband. He fell in love with another woman while I thought we were happily married. The day after we divorced four years ago, he married her. Since then, I haven’t been willing to get really close to another man, fearing the same thing would happen again. Could you […]
Don’t Over-Generalize Relationship Problems
Dear Neil: My girlfriend is a wonderful woman in every way but one. But this one thing makes me question whether we could ever be compatible with each other long-term. She lets everything go till the last minute. You name it—bills, showing up for an appointment on time, washing dishes, doing the laundry, cleaning her […]
Do You Have an Achilles Heel?
In the classic myth, Achilles’ 5-foot-8-inch body had only 3 inches of weakness in his heel, and yet those 3 inches became his downfall. In a similar way, many of us treat our weaknesses as if they are the sole measure of our attractiveness, self-worth and value. We let our insecurities convince us that those […]
Boundaries vs. Walls
Dear Neil: I have been told I have poor boundaries—and that I occasionally violate other people’s boundaries. Could you address the issue of boundaries: What are they? How do they differ from pushing people away? When is it appropriate to push people away, and how does that differ from having appropriate boundaries? Questioning in Seattle […]
Games Some Couples Play
Here are some common—albeit negative—games many couples unwittingly play with each other. Have you ever played any of these games with your spouse/partner? Argumentative and oppositional. Some people tend to be argumentative and oppositional, picking on their partners to get a rise out of them. One or both parties are driven to turmoil, so there […]
Overcoming Gridlock by Identifying Your Inner Dreams Part 2
You want to have children, he doesn’t. She wants you to attend church with her, you’re an atheist. He’s a homebody, you want to party every night. If you feel hopelessly gridlocked over a problem in your relationship that just doesn’t get resolved, take comfort in knowing that there is a way to get through […]
The Signs of Gridlock Part 1
Note: This is the first of a two-part series. Dear Neil: My girlfriend and I are constantly fighting. Even small things can provoke a huge fight between us, and we seem to fight over the same things again and again. These fights have escalated to the degree that we’re seeing much less of each other […]
What is Maturity?
Dear Neil: What is maturity? Are there certain behaviors that comprise maturity? Are there certain skills that compromise maturity in a marriage or a relationship? My husband says I don’t act with maturity, but I’m in my 60’s and have thought of myself as a mature person for years. Trying To Understand in London, England […]