The Sexually Starved Woman

Note: This is the second of a two-part series.

We all know that men have one-track minds. That lots of women are fearful of being too affectionate with their man for fear that he will interpret that affection as a sexual invitation. We all know that men desire as much sex as they can get, and that they virtually never get enough.

But what we all know turns out not to be completely right. Although there are men who are almost always in the mood, there are other men who are seldom or never in the mood. And if you happen to be in a relationship with a man whose libido is much lower than yours, you can attest to the fact that all men do not, in reality, have one-track minds—and that sometimes it’s the woman who wants way more than her man.

Let’s say you’re a woman in a committed relationship, and you’re involved with a man you’re bonded to and that you deeply care about, but he isn’t interested in sex—or he isn’t interested in anywhere close to the amount of sex that you want. What can you do if you wish to remain true and blue, but are chronically hungry because there is simply not enough action?

It is important to understand that the issue is not just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted, cared for, loved and desired. It’s about feeling sexy, desirable, attractive, pretty, close, intimate and connected. It is about sex, but it represents far more than being horny.

So what’s a poor girl to do, and how can she help bring her man with her? Michele Weiner Davis tackles this question in her book The Sex-Starved Wife (Simon and Schuster). She recommends the following:

a.. First things first. A medical checkup for your man is a reasonable first step. Many underlying medical conditions interfere with sexual desire, including heart and lung disease, high blood pressure, thyroid problems, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, Parkinson’s disease and anemia—to name a few. Medications and over-the-counter supplements can also interfere with sexual desire, including many anti-depressants, tranquilizers, mood stabilizers, antacids, antibiotics, antihistamines and anti-inflammatories. So a medical checkup is a prudent first step.

b.. Ask yourself the following questions, and be honest about the answers. If your lover told the truth, would he say you were more complimentary or critical? Do you frequently find yourself focusing on the things he does wrong? Are you often angry with him? If he feels you have been hard on him, you must find ways to gentle your words and attitudes so you can bolster the emotional closeness in your relationship.

c.. Speak his love language. In the Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman says that we all have different ways of feeling loved. They are: 1. when your partner spends quality time with you, 2. through encouraging words and conversations, 3. receiving gifts, 4. through acts of service, such as when your mate does things to please you, and 5. through physical touch. If you want your man to feel loved and cherished, speak his love language through your actions, even though it may be different than yours.

d.. There are a variety of sexual aides available for men, including Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, vacuum pumps, penile implants and a host of other products and medications. A urologist can guide him to the best options.

e.. Ask whether there are things he would like to change about your relationship, and see if the two of you can address his concerns together as a team. The goal is to stabilize the relationship and find new ways to connect intimately.

It should be stated that—no matter what you do—some men will simply have a lower libido than you. But if he just isn’t interested, and isn’t interested in the suggestions listed above, an appointment with a marriage counselor or a sex therapist would be useful.

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