Dear Neil: Why do I feel so unlovable? I never feel I’m good enough, I doubt myself all the time and I seldom trust my own judgment. Although people often describe me as a beautiful woman, this lack of belief in myself has caused me, as an adult, to choose men over and over again who are terrible for me, and to reject the men who are good for me.
I grew up with a mother who was very judgmental and critical of me, my siblings, my dad and everyone else. My dad catered to and supported her, and seldom shielded us kids from her blistering tongue lashings and warnings of dire consequences if we didn’t shape up. Could this be related to why I struggle with love relationships? I’m not even sure I’m capable of love.
Feeling Unlovable in Virginia
Dear Virginia: Parents who are narcissistic give their children the message that you’re not good enough, that the world revolves around them, their feelings and their wishes, not yours.
If you had (or have) a parent who is narcissistic, your task was to be there for your mother, to attend to her feelings and desires, even as a young girl. Karyl McBride, in her excellent book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? describes this process. She says that narcissists lack empathy and are unable to show love. And without that empathy and love from your mother, you are far more likely to lack that sense of true emotional connection, to feel that something is missing in your life, and to feel that your emotional needs have not been met.
McBride describes the process between mothers and daughters, but in my experience, the same rules apply to either parent. She says that if you are a child of a narcissistic parent, you likely feel that you’re not good enough, that you feel valued for what you do rather than who you are—and you are far more likely to feel unlovable. Because you heard self-negating messages growing up, you are likely to also feel one or more of the following:
- You feel emptiness inside, and a general lack of contentment.
- You long to be around sincere, authentic people.
- You struggle with love relationships.
- You fear you will become like your mother.
- You worry about being a good parent yourself.
- You have great difficulty trusting people.
- You feel you had no role model for being a healthy, well-adjusted woman.
- You sense that your emotional development is stunted.
- You have trouble being a person separate from your mother.
- You find it difficult to experience and trust your own feelings.
- You feel uncomfortable around your mother.
- You find it difficult to create an authentic life of your own.
- You find yourself constantly attempting to win your mother’s love, attention and approval, but never feel able to please her.
- The way things appear is far more important to your mother than how they feel to you.
- Your mother is jealous of you.
- Your mother does not support your healthy self-expressions, especially when they conflict with her own needs or they threaten her.
- In your family, things were always about mom.
- Your mother is unable to empathize.
- Your mother can’t deal with her own feelings.
- Your mother is critical and judgmental.
- Your mother treats you like a friend, not a daughter.
- You have no boundaries or privacy with your mother.
The more of these that fit you, the more likely it is that you grew up with a narcissistic parent. I will talk about how to heal the messages you received as a child in a future column.
This is not where one hopes to score 100%. How to get over these feelings–that is the question.
I looking for folks who understand.
Do you still feel unworthy Karhy?
Amazing!in some cases it really IS the parents! This explains everything.just came across this on a google search.now everything makes sense.
This article seems to be targeted at women.
What about guys who grew up always hearing what they did wrong or should have done, but who never got any positive feedback?
I find this accurate, but not gender neutral. It applies to mrn and women. It should be rewritten and reposted.
Help. I need help. I scored higher than I desired here… I am dying inside and have no one to run to. My mom has tried sabotaging my friendships and two of my marriages…
I completely agree. I feel your need for help and I share it. My mother has always been jealous of me. She’s critical and judgemental. She gossips about me to other family members. She tells lies about me and tries to get other people to not believe me. She’s been this way all my life but has only gotten worse as time goes by. I have had failed marriages because I never feel loved or lovable. I can’t trust my partner.
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom and what you are going through. Do you share these feelings? I hope not. I hope you do feel loved and accepted at this point. I can say I set boundaries with my mom. I don’t allow her to manipulate me any more. That means little contact with her but it’s healing and healthier. I have to let go of the negative emotions and move forward. I’ve got to stop looking back at what she’s done and look forward to the future. I hope you are able to do that as well.
Much peace to Annemarie. And hugs.