Dear Neil: I have recently ended an 11 month relationship. I thought I didn’t love her, yet now I have the overwhelming urge to have her back in my life. I realize that I was blocking out love, and that I had never tried to open my heart to her.
She took the breakup quite badly and wants us now to be “just friends,” even though I have tried to explain my revelations and have asked her for another chance. She says her feelings for me have changed, but acknowledges that the love still exists. Do you think it’s possible for someone to open her heart once again to someone who has jilted her?
Sorry in Wellington, New Zealand
Dear Sorry: Is it possible? Yes. Is it likely? No. Once trust is broken it becomes extremely hard to regain, especially so if the two of your aren’t in a committed relationship.
That being said, you can enter therapy and explore why you’re prone to keeping your heart out of your intimate relationships. A thorough exploration of that may convince her that the future will not be a repeat of the past. You might also try asking her what it would take in order for her to give you a second chance.
Dear Neil: I recently met a woman on the Internet. She asked if I would be interested in visiting her town (2 hours away) so she and I could meet, and I accepted. We had a fantastic evening together, and I found myself wanting to pursue a relationship with her. But after I returned home, she quit responding to me, although she did send me an e-mail saying that she didn’t think there were sparks between us. Eventually I got another e-mail from her saying that she doesn’t wish to continue contact with me.
I’m thinking of sending her a nice bunch of flowers with a well-worded note, and seeing if I can make something happen here. Any thoughts?
Stymied in New Zealand
Dear Stymied: Although flowers probably won’t hurt, they are not likely to help you with her. She clearly has no feeling of attachment or commitment toward you, and it doesn’t sound as if she’s expending any effort in order to further a relationship with you.
You’re in this alone, and that will never work. Find somebody who wants you—and who has something to offer you back. She’s saying “no.”
Dear Neil: This man I have recently been seeing: we get on very well together, we’re comfortable in each others company, we have similar interests, we’re the same age, and we’ve both had broken long-term marriages. I asked him to be honest with me and say how he felt about us and where we were going. He replied positively, but the next day he rings me and says that he has no feelings for me and won’t be in touch again.
Is he afraid of committing so he doesn’t get hurt again?
Rejected in Wellington, New Zealand
Dear Rejected: Yes perhaps. But, just like the reader above, the bigger message is that he is saying “no” to a relationship with you. He may enjoy your company, but for a whole bunch of reasons, may not be interested in a relationship with you. Find someone who is interested in saying “yes” to a relationship with you. Offering yourself to someone who doesn’t want you is ineffective, hard on the ego—and it hurts.