Note: This is the second of a two-part series. Click here for part one
If you ask a room full of grown women what they think about men and sex, you are likely to get an earful. At various times, you will likely hear them complain about men and their sexual behaviors and attitudes. You will hear women talk about men being too fast, about the lack of prolonged foreplay, about not being kissed enough or not being kissed well enough, the lack of sustained romance in a long-term relationship and about men being sexually selfish. Of course, some of this criticism will be well deserved. But what you’re extremely unlikely to hear is women talking about how to be better lovers themselves.
Here are some recommendations if you as a woman desire to learn how to be a better lover yourself:
- Accept the fact that he’s male—and that means that sex is central to his feelings of contentment and his image of his own masculinity. Give sexuality a high priority in your relationship no matter how busy or preoccupied your life is. Author Michelle Weiner Davis reminds women that a man’s self-confidence and feelings of well-being hinges on lovemaking more than you’d ever guess.
- When men are asked about how the sexual experience could be improved, they routinely report that they would like the woman to initiate more often. Here are several ways how: make eye contact with him, and while he is watching take off every stitch of your clothing; create a sexy voice by adding a breathy sound to it, punctuating your words with more air. Or embrace him, look him in the eye and then say: “I want you now.”
- It is arousing to a man when you’re aroused. That is, your arousal stimulates his arousal. So what arouses you? Tell him—and then guide him to learn it well.
- Teach your man to kiss you the way you long to be kissed—by letting him know that it’s the gateway to greater glories. Author Sallie Foley suggests that you tell him there’s something you’d like to show him, and then kiss him exactly the way you would like him to kiss you. Then ask him to repeat the kiss right back to you. Do this as often as you would like. If he does it, show him how much you love it.
- Talk in sensuous ways that author Bonnie Gabriel terms “verbal foreplay.” Use your words to ignite his erotic imagination and build a provocative mood of expectation and suspense. Tell him how hot he is, how sexy he makes you feel, that you want to be touched by him, that you can’t wait to get him into bed and to pleasure every molecule of his being. Your words can be used as aphrodisiacs. Use them that way.
- If your appetite isn’t as strong as his, every so often be willing to “take care” of him all the same. You can’t do this a lot or you will grow angry and resentful, but to do this occasionally is wonderfully loving and caring.
- Many men don’t get the same charge out of talking that women do. Your man wants to feel connected to you, but for him your physical relationship—rather than your verbal relationship—is the tie that binds. Physical contact makes him feel closer to you. Author Michelle Weiner Davis asserts that once a man feels close “man style,” he’s more motivated to meet your need to talk, spend quality time together and get close “woman style.”
- Initiate a conversation about lovemaking, including romance, mood, environment, frequency, foreplay, intercourse and after play. Ask him to speak to the following sentences: “I really enjoy/appreciate it when…” “I’m uncomfortable about…” “I’d like to…” “I’d like you to…” After you listen to him, then it’s your turn to answer the same questions. In this way, the two of you can decide if there are behaviors you’d like to change, to try or to experiment with.
- Ask him what romance means to him, and ask him to describe what a very romantic experience is—and give it to him if you can. Then tell him what feels romantic to you. If he does what you describe, show him how much you like it.
- Ask yourself how you could be 5 percent more effective as a friend, companion and lover to your man. I’m asking you to look at how you could single-handedly be more responsive to your man’s needs, and assist him in feeling more cherished by you. Learn the power of doing 5 percent more. Its value is way, way more than 5 percent.