Last December, my wife Roni and I were on a research ship. We stayed for 18 days in a tiny 8 by 10 foot twin room on the vessel—in bunkbeds—in order for us to be in Antarctica, South Georgia Island and The Falkland Islands. But staying in very close quarters with someone, even someone you […]
Dear Neil: I grew up in a home where I was often criticized for failing to be what I was supposed to be. I was led to believe that I never performed well enough at anything. When I brought home a report card of all A’s with one B+, I was asked why I hadn’t […]
Love involves looking at someone subjectively instead of objectively. It asks of me to give my heart to another regardless of whether that person has earned it. In fact, I become willing to overlook the negatives about someone in order to be smitten. I give my heart because I want to be attached to that […]
I once had a colleague who did what I do: he was a marriage therapist. But this gentleman was in his early 90’s, and he had been married 70 years. He talked about his 5 marriages—and his 4 divorces—to his wife of 70 years, all with the same woman, and never with an actual divorce. […]
I’ve heard it easily a thousand times from couples I’ve treated in marriage counseling. “We have a hard time communicating,” “We don’t communicate well,” “We get in an argument when we talk,” and a hundred other variations of that theme. The question is why. What happens to couples that once communicated well with each other, […]
If you wish to have a “happily ever after” relationship, here are a series of intimacy skills that you will need: Treat your your spouse/partner with kindness and friendliness, and afford him/her the benefit of doubt. Be true to your word, clarify the limits of what you can do, and respect differences. (Frequently we want to […]
Do you interrupt people a lot? Do loved ones complain that you chime in by cutting them off in conversation? All of us cut into a conversation sometimes, and some interruptions can be helpful or clarifying. You may have an important correction to make, you may have information to add that the other person doesn’t […]
Note: This is the second of a two-part series. Click here for part one Love appears to require much less effort in the beginning of a relationship than it does as the relationship matures. Over time, it is so easy to become distant, disconnected or upset with each other—and that’s precisely what people frequently come […]
Note: This is the first of a two-part series. Click here for part two Your relationship will not stay close and intimate without good communication. Most people think they communicate well, but good communication involves more than telling someone your thoughts, feelings and judgements. Good communication requires: Being an extremely good listener Hearing without arguing […]
Dear Neil: My husband and I have been married almost 38 years. He does not speak intimately or lovingly toward me during sex, and I’ve given up on getting him to tell me he loves me. He avoids conflict and gets reactive if I attempt to address issues that concern me. I’d love for us […]