How to deepen a new relationship (Part 2)

Note: This is the second of a two-part series. Click here for part one

The following questions and topics are designed to help you in deepening the connection and closeness of a new relationship.  These questions must be done with a co-participant who is open and honest and wants a closer, more intimate relationship – and yes, this also works well for a couple who have been together many years.

Ask each other the following questions, and be as thorough as possible with each answer:

  • What’s fun to you? If we were going to create more fun in our relationship, what would you be interested in us doing or trying?
  • Do you feel that we’re spending enough quality time together?
  • Do you feel controlled by me? Do you feel that I wield too much power in our relationship? What should we do if either of us were to feel that the other is excessively controlling, manipulative, one-sided or selfish?
  • How important is it to you that we have similar interests? What should we do if our interests grow apart?
  • What would you like me to say or do if I were to feel you’re being disrespectful? Disrespectful behavior to me would include …
  • Do you feel there is secrecy, dishonesty or withholding of personal information between us?
  • Do you feel that I’m treating your desires, needs or feelings as important, and that I have empathy for your feelings? If not, what would you like different?
  • Are you overly sensitive to criticism? What would you be willing to do about that? What could I do?
  • Are you afraid of too much closeness or dependency? Do you push away when things get very close and intimate? Do you keep yourself largely unavailable or uninvolved as a form of self-protection? What can we do about this?
  • Of all the things you’ve done or experienced, what are some of the things you’re most proud of? Disappointed about?
  • How do you see the division of labor between the two of us? Are there any requests or changes you’d like us to make in this realm?
  • If passion were ever to fade between us, what specific things will rekindle the fire for you? Do we need any of those now?
  • One of the things I wish you better understood about me is …
  • Do you think there’s an imbalance about how much each of us is giving to the relationship? Where would you like greater effort from me?
  • Are there any disagreements, goals, values or lifestyle choices that are potential deal breakers for you? If so, what are they?
  • Do you need for me to offer an apology or an amend for anything I have said or done?
  • What role does spirituality play in your life? How important is it to you that I share in your spiritual beliefs and practices?
  • What should I do if I were to feel you are too consumed by work, or that our relationship has taken a back seat to your work – or other activities and priorities?
  • How would you like disagreements about parenting issues to be resolved? What behaviors will not be supported or tolerated?
  • What is nurturing behavior to you? How would you like me to nurture, take Care of and/or support you?
  • Are there any questions, concerns or agreements that you want regarding drugs, alcohol use, opposite-sex friendships, pornography, TV use, watching sports or Internet use?
  • What does commitment mean to you? How committed do you feel we are to each other? Would you like us to be more committed to each other? How?
  • What behaviors would make you feel very loved? Do I do anything that makes you feel unloved?
  • Are there any subjects or issues you think we have been avoiding?

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