Heavy Set Woman Wonders How to Find a Mate

Dear Neil: What in the world do available men have against suitable, nice, full figured women? Several months ago, in a large northeastern city, I placed an ad in the personals of a popular newspaper that has a large circulation among professional men. I described myself perfectly—I included the adjectives pretty, charming, bright, vivacious, and classy—but I also put in “full-figured.” Then I described the man I hoped to meet, and I said that I sought a long term dating relationship. Well, I got no responses!

Oh, of course I’ve the tried the bar scene, singles dances, clubs and hobbies. But wherever I go and whatever I do, I wind up losing out to the slender and petite women around me. What law says that all women must weigh in at 115 pounds and wear a size 9? Please don’t tell me to diet and/or go to a health club. I’ve already done that and the results didn’t match the effort. Apparently genetics and years have triumphed. But I am in good physical condition.

Single and ready to mingle in Clearwater, Florida

Dear Single: You do indeed sound as if you have a difficult and painful dilemma.

As I see it, you’re going to have to put yourself out there more: more social events, clubs, organizations, classes, workshops and public get togethers where people meet others.

The task is to keep giving yourself opportunities to meet as many men as you can—and not to get too discouraged if you go somewhere and you don’t connect with anyone.

Keep trying. The main thing is to keep your spirit good—or you’ll go about the search passively, and with too little fire. Doors open when we go after what we want and when we just won’t give up.

Dear Neil: I have a special interest for you to address in your column: virginity in a man. I know this problem well, for I am one. I’ve had this condition, and I’m seeking advise on getting intimate with a female for the all-important first time. Would you address what women think of men who are inexperienced? How would (I) approach a woman? How would (she) handle the news that (her) partner is virgin?

Unsullied in St. Petersburg, Florida

Dear Unsullied: You didn’t tell me your age, and the dynamics are a bit different for twenty-year-olds on this subject than they are for fifty-year-olds. I’d guess that many women would not be put off by your “condition,” and some would find it refreshing and even charming. It may help for you to find a guide: a friend, minister or therapist who can coach you through the technical details of your first time.

But most importantly, I would recommend that you completely change your focus—on how you can befriend, connect with and bond with a woman. If you connect with someone who is available—really connect with her—sooner or later she’ll come after you. It is still honorable to be chaste until marriage, incidentally, and you don’t talk about desiring marriage at all. Don’t try to have a first time sexual experience. Try to have a close relationship, because when you’re in a close relationship, it’ll happen. It’s fine to tell the woman that it’s your first time, incidentally.

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