Feeling Unworthy of Love. What Can I Do?

Dear Neil: I push everyone around me away, and my worst problem is that I’m sabotaging a relationship with a caring, loving and intelligent man who I don’t want to lose. I don’t have good friends other than him, so I turn to him for everything I need, and I have been very needy and manipulative.

I have poor self-esteem, and when I get lonely and insecure, I need other people to convince me I’m worth something. So I have been in contact with several other men online. I have sent them my pictures and have flirted with them. I just need someone to tell me how attractive I am and that they want me. My boyfriend knows everything I have done and he has chosen to forgive me every single time. But sometimes I think I intentionally do things with other men to get his attention. Whenever I feel I don’t have his attention, I push him away and am mean to him, hoping he will chase me.

I don’t know how to stop this. I’ve never learned to love the right way. Can you advise me? I don’t want to throw this guy away.

How Do I Stop This?

Dear Stop: Your behaviors communicate that you don’t feel worthy of being loved. You are therefore pushing away a relationship with someone who is displaying that he may love you. Simply put, you’re making it increasingly hard for him to trust in you, respect you and feel good about being with you. And you’re putting enormous pressure on him to continuously give you all of his time and attention, which is destined to backfire on you.

For you to begin feeling worthy of love, make a list of what you like, love, admire and/or respect about yourself. Include your accomplishments; your creativity; your social skills; work or professional skills; with whom you have been compassionate or caring; when have you been brave or courageous; when have you been resilient; with whom and when are you kind; with whom are you generous; what you like about your appearance; how you have grown and matured, what you like about yourself and what you offer to a romantic relationship.

Spend time creating as thorough a list as you can, and refer to this list often. This is the beginning of looking at why you might be lovable to someone else, and how you can begin loving and believing in yourself. Feeling worthy of love is required for you to be in a healthy love relationship, as well as finding meaningful things you can do to occupy (or enrich) yourself so you are not demanding your boyfriend’s constant attention.

2 comments on “Feeling Unworthy of Love. What Can I Do?

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been feeling the same way for many years and behaving the same way also since two previous marriages which ended with being deceived by both of my ex’s. This made me build a wall up around me to protect myself and now I am engaged again to someone I’ve been with for two years but though I admit I am a jelous person, since him lieing to me several times & calling his ex’s name out whilst we were intimate, my wall has come back and I have been over protective and jealous and out of control as regards him and I hate myself for it. He blames me saying he can’t look anywhere or do anything for my jealousy but though I do love him the trust has been really knocked and haven’t a clue how to break out of the way my behaviour has got before we end up splitting up? been with him 2 yrs but feel so insecure due to his lies. Feel I’m to blame for punishing him with my jealousy but he was the one who lied and is now cheesed off with what he calls my nagging and mistrust in him. Is it me to blame? confused and don’t know whether I should end it dye to nit being able to trust him?

  2. I feel so sad and empty. I have had everything against me since I was little. I do not have the bonds I should have had. I was never loved as a child. I am on good terms with my guardian but so many mean things were done even up until the last holiday that it keeps me away. Being a cancer survivor is one strike against me. The non-existence of love in my family, the coldness, putting up with people and how they are just makes me numb. I just feel numb all the time. I feel like I am never going to meet anyone and feel like a zombie roaming the earth empty. Gee I sure hope I make it to Heaven. I am so depressed right now I can’t pray much.

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