Many couples who come to me say some version of the same thing: “We just can’t communicate.”
Usually, that isn’t quite true. They communicate constantly. The problem is that difficult conversations have become so emotionally charged that each person’s reaction triggers an even stronger reaction from the other. Before long, the original subject has almost disappeared and the couple is fighting about how they are fighting.
After decades of working with couples, I have found that improving communication is rarely just a matter of teaching people better words. The more important task is understanding what happens between two people when one of them feels hurt, criticized, ignored, controlled, rejected or unimportant.
The Argument You Are Having May Not Be the Real Argument
Imagine that one partner says, “You never make time for me anymore.”
On the surface, the subject may be how much time the couple spends together. But underneath the complaint may be something much more vulnerable: “I miss you. I don’t feel important to you. I’m afraid you don’t want me anymore.”
Unfortunately, that vulnerable message may never be heard.
Instead, the other partner hears an accusation: “You’re a bad spouse. Nothing you do is enough.”
So the response is defensive: “That’s ridiculous. I’m working constantly for this family. Nothing I do ever satisfies you.”
Now the first partner feels even less heard and becomes more forceful. The second feels increasingly attacked and becomes more defensive. Within minutes, they are arguing about who is selfish, who started it, what happened three years ago, or whether they should have married each other in the first place.
The original message—“I miss you”—has vanished.
Couples Develop Patterns That Take on a Life of Their Own
One of the most important things a couple can learn is to recognize their recurring pattern.
For some couples, one person pursues and the other withdraws. The more the first demands a response, the more the second shuts down. The more the second withdraws, the more frightened or angry the first becomes and the harder they pursue.
Other couples attack and counterattack. One criticism is met with another. Both people become prosecutors assembling evidence that proves the other is at fault.
Still others avoid conflict almost completely. They remain polite, functional and increasingly distant. They may stop fighting, but they also stop sharing much of themselves.
These patterns can become so familiar that couples no longer recognize them as patterns. Each person simply experiences the other’s behavior as the problem.
Defensiveness Is Usually About Self-Protection
Defensiveness can be enormously destructive, but people usually don’t become defensive because they want to ruin a conversation. They become defensive because something they are hearing feels threatening.
Perhaps they feel accused, inadequate, misunderstood or ashamed. Their immediate impulse is to protect themselves: explain, justify, correct the facts, counterattack or point out what the other person did wrong.
The difficulty is that self-protection often prevents understanding.
If your partner says, “I felt alone when you didn’t come home,” and your first response is, “I told you I had to work late,” you may be factually correct. But you have responded to the facts and missed the feeling.
A different response might begin with: “I can understand why that felt lonely. Tell me what was happening for you.”
Understanding does not require admitting to something that isn’t true. Nor does it mean surrendering your own perspective. It means making room for your partner’s experience before insisting that yours be heard.
Withdrawal Has a Cost Too
The person who withdraws often believes they are preventing the argument from getting worse.
Sometimes they are.
But chronic withdrawal can communicate something very different to the other partner: “Your feelings don’t matter. I don’t want to deal with you. You’re alone with this.”
The solution isn’t to force someone to keep talking when they are overwhelmed. People sometimes genuinely need time to calm themselves.
But there is an enormous difference between saying, “I’m getting overwhelmed and need 30 minutes. I promise I’ll come back and talk with you,” and simply walking away, becoming silent or refusing to engage indefinitely.
A temporary pause can protect a relationship. Unexplained withdrawal can injure it.
Stop Trying to Win
Many destructive conversations are organized around a question neither person consciously realizes they are asking:
Who is right?
Unfortunately, proving that you are right frequently requires proving that the person you love is wrong.
A more useful question is:
What happened between us?
That question allows two experiences to exist simultaneously.
You may not have intended to hurt your partner, and your partner may genuinely have been hurt.
Your partner may have expressed something badly, and there may still be something important underneath what they were trying to say.
A productive conversation does not require deciding whose version of reality wins. It requires becoming curious enough to understand both versions.
Say the More Vulnerable Thing
Anger is often easier to express than hurt.
“You don’t care about anybody but yourself” may be easier to say than “I don’t feel important to you.”
“You never listen” may be easier than “I feel alone when I can’t reach you.”
“Fine. Do whatever you want” may be easier than “I’m afraid that what I want doesn’t matter to you.”
One of the most powerful changes couples can make is learning to express the more vulnerable message rather than disguising it as criticism, sarcasm, anger or withdrawal.
That does not mean every conversation must become intensely emotional. It means saying more accurately what is actually happening inside you.
Listen for What Is Underneath the Words
The corresponding skill is learning to listen differently.
Instead of immediately deciding whether your partner’s statement is accurate, ask yourself:
What is my partner trying to tell me about their experience?
If your spouse says, “You’re never there for me,” you may immediately think of twelve examples proving that isn’t true.
Resist the temptation to present them.
Try asking, “When have you felt most alone with me lately?”
You can discuss the facts later. First find out what your partner is trying—perhaps rather clumsily—to tell you.
Feeling understood has a remarkable effect on difficult conversations. People usually become less extreme when they no longer have to fight to be heard.
When Better Communication Techniques Aren’t Enough
Sometimes couples understand all of this and still cannot do it.
They know they shouldn’t interrupt. They know they should use “I” statements. They know they should listen and validate. They may have learned excellent communication skills in previous counseling.
But once they become emotionally activated, all of that knowledge disappears and the old pattern takes over.
At that point, the problem may not be lack of communication skills. There may be years of resentment, unresolved injuries, damaged trust or emotional disconnection underneath the communication problem.
Those issues usually cannot be solved simply by choosing better words.
They need to be understood and worked through.
When Couples Get Stuck
This is one reason some couples benefit from more concentrated therapy. At Colorado Marriage Retreats, I work privately with one couple at a time for 2–5 consecutive days, 5–6 hours a day. The extended time allows us to slow down difficult interactions, identify what is happening underneath them, and work with the pattern while it is actually occurring rather than merely talking about it afterward.
Not every struggling couple needs an intensive. Many couples can make substantial progress with a skilled weekly therapist. But when the same conflicts have continued for years, previous counseling has not produced enough change, or the relationship is deteriorating rapidly, having more uninterrupted time can make a meaningful difference.
The goal isn’t to eliminate disagreement. Two people who share a life will disagree.
The goal is to become capable of disagreeing without repeatedly damaging the relationship—and to become better at recognizing the hurt, fear, longing and need for connection that so often lie underneath the argument.
Neil Rosenthal is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been in practice since 1980. He works privately with one couple at a time through Colorado Marriage Retreats. For information about private couples therapy intensives, call (720) 331-5564.
