Infatuation With a Co-Worker Threatens Marriage

Dear Neil: I have a wonderful, considerate husband and two great kids, but excitement must be missing in my life because I think about this man at work, and can’t get him out of my mind. There is a flirty attraction between us that is hard to ignore, and I’m having fantasies about him all the time. How do I get rid of these fantasies?

Infatuated in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Dear Infatuated: Strengthen the bond and deepen the relationship you have with your husband, rather than tying to rid yourself of your competing fantasies. Perhaps you and your husband both need to bring more flirtiness and spark to your marriage. Talk with your husband openly about your need for more excitement in your marriage, and see if the two of you can’t figure out how to infuse the marriage with more spark, zing and pizzazz..

Dear Neil: Properly stimulated, most women are capable of multiple orgasms. A penis is not the best way to stimulate a woman. If you could get couples to agree to using a vibrator to provide two or three orgasms for the woman, then an orgasm for the man, then several more for the woman (and perhaps one more for the man), women would be less reluctant to have sex with men. To the contrary, women solicit such encounters.

Encourage Vibrators

Dear Encourage: Not all women—or men—would be comfortable with having sex the way you suggest. The implication is that sex needs to be mastered with the correct props, which basically don’t require a man. Although you’re not wrong—indeed a vibrator has helped many women to achieve orgasms—I’m not sure your recommendations would fit the starry-eyed, romantic, loving vision many people have of lovemaking.

Still it’s not a bad idea, especially if a woman has low sexual desire. It just doesn’t sound very romantic, does it?

Dear Neil: In responding to a recent letter, you labeled a woman as passive, or possibly passive-aggressive. There is another valid possibility: perhaps she is in that small percentage of people who are introverts. Extroverts recharge their batteries by going out and having “interesting experiences,” usually active things with other people. Introverts recharge their batteries by doing quiet things by themselves.

Yes, I am an introvert. Yes, I was married for a short time to a man who was an extrovert. Yes, we drove each other crazy. Was either of us wrong or bad, or in need of basic changes in our personality? We were simply very, very different and could not find a way to live together comfortably. Don’t label people as flawed when their behavior is simply different.

Golden, Colorado

Dear Golden: There is a difference between being introverted and being passive. Passive people don’t take initiative or responsibility. They wait for other people to do what needs to be done. They function as a child might: helpless, dependent and waiting for someone else to do it.

Introverted people, on the other hand, are shy, sometimes withdrawn and often lacking in self confidence. They do not necessarily lack initiative or a sense of adult responsibility, and they are not necessarily self-absorbed, dependent or childlike.

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