Wanting to Leave, But Afraid of Being Alone

Dear Neil:  I have been with my partner for three years.  In the beginning, our love making was great, but as time went on she stopped giving herself to me on a regular basis.  I now get sex once a month, if I’m lucky.  It seems related to money, because the more I make, the more she wants to take, and then she is more sexual with me.  But I lost my job three months ago, and now she’s angry with me all the time.  I have come to realize that I feel so much lighter without her.  I truly want to leave, but I’m afraid of being alone.  How do I move on?

Sucked Dry in Miami, Florida

Dear Sucked Dry:  You move on by deciding your life is better without her than with her, and then by acting upon that decision—by cutting the relationship off—and keeping it cut off.  Your task is to heal yourself, to learn whatever lessons this relationship has taught you, and also to take whatever gifts or blessings this relationship has afforded you.

Dear Neil:  My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years.  We were living together and we cuddled a lot, but that gradually dwindled away as he accused me of suffocating him, saying that he wanted us to live apart because he wanted “space.”  So we broke up. When we got back together again, he told me he loved me and that he shouldn’t have broken us up.

But a couple of weeks later he virtually abandoned me.  Now he says he’s not sure whether he loves me, and doesn’t want to talk about how to get closer again or how our relationship might develop in the future.  I’ve expressed my unhappiness with the distance between us (he hardly ever touches me outside of bed in an affectionate way on his own accord unless I say something).  I’ve asked whether there’s any point in us continuing to be together but he basically refuses to discuss it.  I sometimes get told off for expressing my unhappiness at how things are.  I want to be in a close, loving, committed, connected relationship, and have asked him to tell me if he doesn’t so that I can move on—but he won’t.  What would you advise me?

Not Feeling Wanted in New Zealand

Dear Not Feeling Wanted:  Your boyfriend does not love you—and does not want a closer relationship or a future with you—but he isn’t coming out and directly saying that.  It sounds as if he doesn’t want to acknowledge his true motives to you because he is reluctant to lose the sexual relationship he has with you.

So the ball is back in your court.  Is the sexual connection enough for you, or do you want more from this relationship?  If you want more, cut it off with him and find someone who wants an actual relationship with you—and who will value your feelings, needs, desires and your happiness.

2 comments on “Wanting to Leave, But Afraid of Being Alone

  1. Dear Neal…
    1 of my friends introduced me to his daughter. She lived 80 miles away I started hanging around her and just go close to fast. She moved to the town I live in and it’s been a little over 2 years now. I am miserable hate being around her and wants me to take on this father role to her 5 year old kid and wants everything 50/50 like if he’s my kid. She is very disrespful doesn’t know what the word sorry in always says I’m talking to other girls talks crap when is talk to my mom or sister. I have lost a lot of stuff money in this relationship and says I need to grow up and get over it I want to leave but feel responsible for her since she moved here don’t know what to do anymore I’m depressed sad anxious all the time I need help thanks.

  2. Dear Neil.

    I have a girlfriend I have been with for over 2 years. We stay together, we live together, we rarely go seperate.

    I have a problem with my girlfriend’s trust. I am 3 years younger than her. She told me could’nt trust anymore because her of her ex. Basically here I am a faithful man. I have never laid an eye on another woman or even had an affair. The problem is no matter how much I proved to her I am faithful, she still can’t trust me. She blames, assume and judges me a lot. It became huge fights, I never got angry with her about it, until after 1 year I had to raise my voice. I never called her names nor disrespect her. I dont understand it. I’ve lied (in a good way) to her once because I have no idea how handle her. I have sacrificed my friends, oppurtunities, jobs, because she could not trust me. Having that said, her reaction to me if she gets angry, she is really disrespectful. No matter how much faith I shown, sacrifices I’ve made dor her, she always seeks the bad side of me & judges my wrongs.

    Lately I struggled a lot. She got angey so often, even in the smallest conversations. I feel unappreciated, the fact I have never intend bad things to her. But she always points out my wrongs, instead of seeing the good of me. even if I didn’t do something wrong she suddenly talks back about the past and mocks me. I’ve never got so angry to her, and I’ve never used faul langguage during fights to her.

    I have no idea anymore on how to handle this. I’ve tried talking to her nicely, prayed together, do things exciting things together, but at the end of the day, there is always something to be blame me about. She keeps saying she loves me, and I do love her so much, I have lost nearly everything just for her. But, I don’t think she cares. So now I have given up and let her get whatever she wants to keep her happy.

    I feel like I’m her slave now. She doesn’t take my feelings seriously when I share it to her. She wants something she gets it. I want something, but she doesn’t give an amount of effort for me. I never wanted something like ever from her. I only want in life is to have a happy family.

    I’m losing myself slowly and I know its unhealthy for me. I considered a break up, but my heart couldn’t. I love her too much and I want to fix it. But honestly if I do break up, I fear so much of losing more, being alone, and not getting a chance of having a new one. I fear of losing myself because I have given everything to her and sacrificed a lot to her. Meaning money, chances, opportunities, career, good jobs, and even my time for family. She is rebellious against my mother and lacks of trust if I dont be with her. I am really stupid, and I have no idea where to go. Any suggestions?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.