If you search online for a marriage retreat, you will find programs that have very little in common with one another.
Some are romantic getaways intended to help couples reconnect. Some are educational workshops attended by groups of couples. Some are religious or spiritually oriented programs. Some are coaching programs. And some are intensive couples therapy conducted by licensed mental health professionals.
All of them may use words such as marriage retreat, couples retreat or relationship intensive.
That can make choosing the right kind of help surprisingly difficult.
If your relationship is in serious trouble, the most important question is not simply, “Which marriage retreat should we attend?”
A better question is:
“What kind of help does our relationship actually need?”
After 46 years of working with individuals and couples, I would encourage couples to consider the following questions before choosing any marriage retreat or couples intensive.
1. Are You Looking for Enrichment—or Are You Trying to Repair a Relationship in Trouble?
This is the first distinction I would make.
A basically healthy couple who wants to improve communication, deepen intimacy or spend meaningful time together may benefit enormously from a couples workshop, enrichment retreat or structured getaway.
But that may be very different from what is needed when a couple is dealing with:
- Repeated conflicts that never seem to get resolved
- Years of accumulated resentment
- Severe emotional disconnection
- Anger or defensiveness
- One partner emotionally withdrawing
- Damaged trust
- An affair or other serious betrayal
- Previous couples counseling that hasn’t produced enough change
- One partner questioning whether they still want the marriage
- Separation or the possibility of divorce
When the relationship has reached this level of distress, I would look for something more than an enjoyable weekend or educational program.
I would look for serious therapeutic work.
2. Is It Actually Couples Therapy?
The words retreat and intensive do not tell you who will be helping you.
Find out.
Is the person a licensed mental health professional?
What are their credentials?
How much experience do they have working specifically with couples?
Do they routinely work with relationships experiencing the kinds of problems you’re facing?
A coach, educator or workshop leader may be very helpful for some couples. But coaching and education are not the same as couples therapy.
If your marriage is approaching a crisis, I would want to know that the person helping you has substantial experience working with distressed relationships.
3. Will You Be Working Privately—or With a Group?
This is one of the largest differences among marriage retreats.
Some programs bring many couples together for lectures, exercises and group discussions.
There is nothing inherently wrong with that approach. Some couples enjoy learning alongside other couples and find the group experience reassuring.
But it isn’t the same as private couples therapy.
In private intensive work, the therapist’s attention is focused on one relationship.
Your history.
Your conflicts.
Your injuries.
Your patterns.
Your decisions.
And your goals.
For couples dealing with highly personal issues—betrayal, years of resentment, emotional withdrawal, sexual difficulties, financial conflicts, family problems or possible divorce—the privacy of working alone with a therapist may be especially important.
Before registering for any program, ask:
“Will we be working privately with the therapist, or will other couples be involved?”
4. How Much Actual Therapy Will You Receive?
A “three-day marriage retreat” can mean many different things.
It might mean three days filled primarily with lectures, meals, recreation and exercises, with relatively little individual attention.
Or it might mean many hours of private therapeutic work each day.
Don’t compare programs based solely upon the number of days.
Ask:
How many hours will we actually spend working directly with the therapist?
That is a much more meaningful measure.
5. Will You Work With the Person Whose Credentials Attracted You?
This is easy to overlook.
You may read about a highly experienced therapist or program founder and assume that this is the person who will work with you.
That isn’t necessarily the case.
Larger programs may have multiple therapists, associates or facilitators.
Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with that arrangement. But you should know what you’re purchasing.
Ask:
“Who exactly will be working with us?”
And then investigate that person’s experience—not merely the reputation of the organization.
6. Does the Therapist Understand the Difference Between the Problem and the Pattern?
Couples often arrive believing that the problem is money, communication, sex, parenting, in-laws, household responsibilities, an affair or some other recurring disagreement.
Those issues certainly matter.
But frequently there is another level underneath them.
One partner complains because they feel ignored.
The other hears criticism and becomes defensive.
The first person feels dismissed and becomes angrier.
The second person feels attacked and withdraws.
The first then pursues even harder.
Eventually, both people become convinced that the other person is the problem.
A skilled couples therapist should be interested not only in what you fight about, but in what happens between you when you fight about it.
Unless that pattern changes, couples can resolve today’s disagreement and recreate essentially the same conflict next week around a completely different subject.
7. What Happens When One Partner Is Less Committed Than the Other?
This is particularly important for marriages in serious trouble.
Couples do not always arrive equally motivated.
One person may desperately want to save the marriage while the other is discouraged, emotionally exhausted or seriously considering leaving.
Be cautious about programs that assume both partners arrive enthusiastic about rebuilding the relationship.
Real couples are often more complicated than that.
Ask the therapist how they work when one partner is uncertain.
A good therapist should be able to tolerate that uncertainty rather than pressuring the reluctant partner to promise an outcome before the work has even begun.
The purpose of therapy should not be to force two people to stay together.
It should help them understand what happened, what would have to change, and whether both people are willing and able to make those changes.
8. What If You’ve Already Tried Marriage Counseling?
Previous couples therapy doesn’t necessarily mean an intensive will be ineffective.
In fact, some couples seek intensive work precisely because weekly therapy hasn’t produced enough change.
They may already understand their communication problems. They may know their “negative cycle.” They may even know exactly what each partner is supposed to do differently.
And yet, when the next conflict occurs, they fall straight back into the old pattern.
For some couples, the problem isn’t lack of insight.
They haven’t had enough uninterrupted time to work through what keeps happening between them.
That is one reason an intensive format can be useful.
Instead of working for 50 minutes and then waiting another week, the couple and therapist may have several consecutive hours—and several consecutive days—to understand what is happening and practice doing something different.
9. Does the Program Make Promises That Sound Too Good to Be True?
Be careful here.
No therapist can responsibly guarantee that a marriage will be saved.
No intensive can erase years of hurt in a weekend.
No therapist can manufacture commitment in someone who genuinely doesn’t want the relationship.
And no method works for every couple.
An intensive can provide something extremely valuable: enough concentrated time to understand deeply entrenched patterns, address unresolved injuries, practice different responses and determine what meaningful repair would require.
But that is different from guaranteeing an outcome.
I would be cautious about anyone who promises more.
10. Does the Therapist Explain Who Should NOT Attend?
This is one of the questions I would use to evaluate any intensive.
A credible provider should be willing to tell you when their program isn’t appropriate.
There are circumstances in which ordinary weekly therapy may be entirely sufficient.
There may also be circumstances requiring a different kind of professional help before intensive couples work is appropriate.
The therapist should evaluate your particular circumstances rather than assuming that everyone who contacts them belongs in their program.
I would consider it a positive sign if the therapist is willing to say:
“I don’t think my intensive is the right approach for you.”
11. What Will Happen During the Intensive?
You should have a reasonable understanding of what you’re signing up for.
That doesn’t mean the therapist should follow a rigid curriculum. In fact, highly individualized couples work may look different from one relationship to another.
But the provider should be able to explain the basic approach.
Will you primarily attend lectures?
Complete exercises?
Talk about your history?
Work directly on current conflicts?
Practice new ways of responding to one another?
Address unresolved injuries?
Develop a plan for what happens after you leave?
If the description consists mainly of vague promises about “reconnecting,” “rekindling your love” or “transforming your relationship,” ask for more specifics.
12. What Happens After the Intensive?
A couples intensive should not be treated as though your relationship exists in isolation for several days and then is permanently fixed.
You will go home.
Work will resume.
Children, finances, household responsibilities and extended family will still be there.
And eventually something will trigger one of your old patterns.
Ask what the therapist recommends after the intensive.
Some couples return to their existing therapist. Others may benefit from follow-up sessions or another form of continuing support.
The important question is:
How will we take what we learned and use it when ordinary life begins again?
How I Work With Couples
My own approach is quite specific, and it will not be the right choice for everyone.
At Colorado Marriage Retreats, I work with one couple at a time for 2–5 consecutive days, 5–6 hours a day.
There are no groups and no workshops.
The work is private and is shaped around the particular relationship in front of me.
I work directly with every couple myself.
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and have been in practice for 46 years. I am also the author of a #1 bestselling relationship book and more than 1,000 relationship articles published in newspapers around the world.
Couples who come to me are frequently dealing with serious conflict, longstanding resentment, defensiveness, emotional withdrawal, damaged trust, loss of connection, unsuccessful previous counseling, or uncertainty about whether their marriage can be repaired.
Some travel to Colorado knowing that they want to save their marriage.
Others arrive considerably less certain.
My job is not to promise an outcome or persuade two people to remain married.
My job is to help them understand what has happened between them, work seriously on what can be changed, and determine whether they can create a healthier relationship than the one they have been living in.
Before You Choose Any Marriage Retreat
I would encourage you to speak directly with the person who would be working with you.
Tell them what’s happening.
Ask difficult questions.
Find out how they think about your situation.
And pay attention to how you feel during that conversation.
Do you feel listened to?
Does the therapist understand the seriousness of the problem?
Are they asking thoughtful questions rather than immediately trying to sell you a program?
Can they explain how their approach might apply to your particular relationship?
And are they willing to tell you if they don’t believe their program is right for you?
Choosing a marriage retreat or couples intensive isn’t primarily about finding the most beautiful location, the most impressive website or the program making the biggest promises.
It is about finding the right kind of help for the problem the two of you actually have.
If you would like to find out whether a private couples intensive might be appropriate for your relationship, I offer a complimentary telephone consultation.
Call Neil Rosenthal at 720-331-5564.
Not ready to call? Send me a private message describing briefly what is happening in your relationship. I will personally respond.
