Husband Admits to Having Sex With Other Men! What Do I Do?

Dear Neil: My husband of 15 years has just told me of his active bisexuality. He has been having sexual liaisons for the whole of our marriage, and tells me that 80% of the men he has sex with are heterosexual, in stable relationships, and with no intentions of leaving their partners/wives/families—or of revealing their secret lives. How common an issue is this for couples? If he hadn’t been caught by a third party, I still would have been none the wiser.

I feel such a huge sense of loss, grief, rage and confusion—as he says he loves me

Still—but that he has no intention of stopping meeting men online for sex. He is keen for me to be part of his fantasies and sexual activities. How can I start to make sense of all of this? Any suggestions would be gratefully received.

Stunned in New Zealand

Dear Stunned: If your husband said he had been cheating on you with multiple other women—and has no intention of stopping—and invites you to be part of a threesome with another woman, how would you respond to that invitation?

No matter what the gender, infidelity is about cheating—and that means having a sexual and/or a love relationship with someone else other than the person you’ve promised fidelity to. Such behavior ruptures trust in a relationship, oftentimes irreparably. I have no statistics on this subject, but I don’t think this is a widespread issue. That, however, is utterly of no solace to you.

So what do you do? First, do not do anything to compromise your own sense of right and wrong. Because your husband wants you to become a part of his extra-curricular sexual activities, does not mean you need to do so.

Second, you have loss/grief/mourning work to do, because the marriage you thought you had is no more. You don’t have the marriage you thought you did, and you don’t have the husband you thought you had. A compassionate counselor/therapist may be of great assistance to you for awhile.

Third, get yourself checked out for STD’s right away. Fourth, if you’re going to have sex with your husband in the future, insist that it be safe sex only. Fifth, make sure you have healthy outlets for your anger, and take precautions so that you don’t vent your anger at the wrong people.

Sixth, you’re going to have to decide whether you want to stay with your husband, and that may not be such an easy choice, because you may also love your husband, be attached to him, and be personally, emotionally and financially co-mingled with him and his family. Breaking those ties will be painful. On the other hand, staying in a relationship you feel betrayed by will feel even more painful. You’re going to have to decide what’s most in your self interest here, because if he has been doing this the entire marriage—and has no intention of stopping—you’re going to have to decide if you can live with this.

If you can, there needs to a different level of honesty, truthfulness and openness in your marriage for it to survive. If you can’t, cut the ties quickly.

2 comments on “Husband Admits to Having Sex With Other Men! What Do I Do?

  1. If her husband had been bold and honest enough to have revealed his bisexuality from the beginning, along with his intent to continue being with other men sexually, this would have been honorable. She could have decided right then whether this was something she could comfortably live with and make her decisions accordingly. Since he did not do this, there was never any honesty in the relationship to begin with. Having no solid base of honesty also means having no foundation for trust. Without honesty and trust, a marriage can not long endure. He is in the marriage for something other than her love. Whatever that might be I can not speculate. Now, the admission that eighty percent of his liaisons are with heterosexual men whose partners are unaware of their men’s extramarital affairs simply means that he is a member of a social club of men who share two things in common; secretive sex and deceit. The decision is in her hands; live with it or dissolve the marriage. Do not expect to change him or his ways, as his behavior gives coldly ample testament to his underlying lack of character. She should also never fall into the trap of thinking there must have been something she could have done to prevent this betrayal. She should know that this was not her fault and that nothing of her own doing could ever have prevented it. He alone bears the culpability for the betrayal. She alone must decide what her least objectionable option is, and act accordingly. There is no painless option, only options of greater or lesser pain; pain that will, however, eventually pass. I wish her the best for a happier future. I really feel for her, as I’m sure a great many others feel for her, as well.

  2. As a Bi-sexual male his excuses are BS. I’m bi, my wife knows it, but we’re monogamous. Why is cheating with a man any different then cheating with a woman? There are times I wish things were different. I’d love for my wife and I to have an encounter every once in awhile. In the end I love her to much to do that to her. Dump the cheating bum!!

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