EROS

• My partner and I were attracted to each other when we met.
• We have the right physical chemistry between us.
• Our love-making is intense and satisfying. We have a sensual and passionate love.
• My partner fits my ideal of physical attractiveness.

LUDUS

• I believe that what my partner doesn’t know about me won’t hurt him/her.
• I have sometimes had to keep my partner from finding out about others I’ve had.
• I keep my partner a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her.
• I could get over my relationship with my partner pretty easily if we broke up.
• Love is a game that does not have a great depth of feeling or a strong emotional intensity.

STORGE 

• Our love is really a deep friendship which emerged gradually.
• I expect my partner and I will always be friends.

PRAGMA

• A main consideration for choosing my partner was what he or she would become in life. S/he had desirable attributes, including earning potential, being a good parent, fitting into my family and looking good.

MANIA

• When my partner doesn’t pay attention to me, or when things aren’t right between us, I feel sick.
• Since I’ve been in love, I’ve had trouble sleeping or concentrating on anything else.
• If my partner ignores me for awhile, I try to do stupid things to get his or her attention back.
• I am possessive of my partner, as well as dependent and uncertain of myself in a relationship.

AGAPE

• I place my partner’s happiness before my own.
• I often sacrifice my own wishes to let my partner achieve his or hers.
• Even when my partner is angry at me, I still love him/her fully.

Probably the worst pairing is between one person who is a ludus choosing someone who fits the description of mania. Both are associated with poor relationship satisfaction over time. It is not uncommon for a couple who was once very passionate to wonder where all that passion went. They may still have a strong relationship, but it perhaps has shifted from eros to storge, which in my experience is pretty common. Also common is a shift to pragma and agape. (Agape is pronounced a-gaa-pay, and storge is pronounced stor-gay.) Eros and mania may define young love, whereas any of the others may define more mature love.

Has your love changed over time?

The post The Way Love Changes Over Time appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

But there are so many people claiming to specialize in marriage/relationship counseling—how do you choose the very best one? Here is a guide to help you make a good decision.

First, you want someone experienced—who has done this for a number of years—not someone starting out. Experienced people tend to cost more than those who are just starting out, but this is one arena in which you are likely to get what you pay for.

Second, if you can afford it, longer appointments, or retreats that take several days, are often far more effective than weekly 45-60 minute appointments. You will have sufficient time to deeply delve into conflicts and emotions, and then you can create solutions or resolutions in the same session. If you do this, you won’t normally stay in therapy for many months. Insurance may not cover the longer appointments, but you have a far greater chance of fixing the issues way more quickly.

Third, keep in mind that you are looking for a therapist/guide/teacher/advisor, not a friend. A friend may not offer you adult supervision when the two of you need it. A good marriage therapist will.

Fourth, you want someone who demonstrates insight regarding the true problems and the dynamics in your relationship. As an example, a couple can enter marriage counseling presenting with poor communication problems, but the actual issue may be that the two of you have grown disconnected, and you may be questioning whether your spouse still loves you. You can see how that may lead to poor communication in a relationship, but the therapist that treats the issue as a communication problem may not fix the larger dynamic, and then you will feel that although you have a great therapist, the therapy isn’t working.

Fifth, you want someone who can articulate an effective game plan to resolve or fix what’s wrong—and very important—you want this game plan in the very first session. If the therapist cannot articulate an effective and realistic plan of action in the first session, you have the wrong therapist.

Sixth, the gold standard of marriage counselors, couple’s therapists or relationship counselors is if the therapist can teach the two of you new skills that you can take home and use on your own. The goal is for the two of you to learn how to resolve conflicts or hurt feelings on your own, so you don’t need to forever be dependent on a therapist. This will take some time, and does not happen quickly, but the counselor who can teach the two of you to resolve your own issues or emotions is worth his or her weight in gold.

Finally, we learn more effectively when we are challenged. Look for someone to challenge you to do what’s hard, not easy.

Related: Still stuck after couples counseling · When weekly couples therapy isn't enough

The post How To Choose The Best Marriage Counselor or Couples Therapist appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

• Is there something you’re wanting your spouse to do (or quit doing) in order for you to stay? If so, have you clearly articulated what it is? If you haven’t, it is vital you do so, because nobody is a good mind reader.
• Are there non-negotiable issues that the two of you cannot agree on, such as having a baby? Most issues and conflicts are negotiable. Are yours?
• How high a priority do you think you are to your spouse? What priorities do you think come before you?
• How high a priority is your spouse to you? What comes ahead of him/her?
• Do you have major trust issues with your spouse? If so, what specifically would need to happen in order for your spouse to repair that trust? What would be a good beginning?
• Have you given your very best to this relationship? Be honest. What could you have done much better?
• Are you still physically attracted to your partner? Are there any requests you have in this regard that would matter to you?
• What would you guess a divorce will cost you monetarily, emotionally, socially, spiritually and personally?
• What do you think your spouse is actually fighting for? What issues matter the most to him/her?
• What do you think you are fighting for? Your most important issues or concerns.
• What would you need to receive in order to offer your partner the issues that matter to him/her the most?
• How will this impact your kids? Do you think it’s possible for the two of you to divorce and also co-parent together without one of you attempting to alienate your kids from the other? How could you do that?
• What were you expecting from marriage or from your spouse that s/he has not done? How confident are you that s/he knew and understood what your expectations were?
• Is this a well-known pattern in your life? Do you have a history of leaving a relationship, or did you grow up with a parent leaving you through death or abandonment?
• What would you need to do in order to save this relationship? List everything.
• What would your spouse need to do in order to save this relationship? Again, list everything.
• What did you do right in this relationship?
• What did you do wrong, and how have you contributed to the problems, issues or conflicts in the relationship?
• How could you be a far better partner in the future?
• How hard will it be for you to be single again?

After you thoroughly answer these questions, give this to your spouse to deliberate on, and then see if the two of you can talk about these issues without escalating, getting hostile or withdrawing. At the very best, the two of you may be able to negotiate a way to remain together and be happier with each other. At the worst, this is called “conscious uncoupling.” It’s a way for a couple to separate while still being civil and honest with each other.

The post To Divorce or Not to Divorce? Here Are the Questions appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

1. You consistently don’t feel heard.
2. You are more attached to the way you wish your partner would be rather than the way your partner actually is. You are continuously looking for your partner to change, and if things remain the way they are now, you don’t think you will ever be happy in this relationship.
3. The relationship feels as if it is way too much work, and you don’t see evidence that this is going to change.
4. You are angry, resentful or hopeless much of the time.
5. You feel controlled, manipulated or guilted into staying because you don’t want to hurt your partner. You remain in the relationship more to please your partner than to please yourself.
6. You’re forever giving a great deal more than you are receiving. Relationships are not always 50/50, but as time goes on there needs to be a rough equivalency between giving and receiving, so one person does not fall into the role of being the giver (or caretaker), while the other simply takes.
7. You were happier before this relationship than you are in this relationship.
8. You feel this relationship is sucking you dry. The relationship leaves you feeling drained, depleted and empty.
9. You can’t stop the cycle of anger, blame, arguments and withdrawal.
10. You don’t feel respected by your partner.
11. You don’t trust that your partner will be there for you when times get rough—or you feel unable to turn to your partner in times of need, because you don’t feel safe with him or her, or you don’t trust that your partner will comfort, support or commiserate with you.
12. You find yourself justifying why you’re staying in the relationship, especially to those people close to you. You defend or give justifications about the relationship to others, or you refrain from telling them what is actually happening because you don’t want them to disapprove of you or of the relationship.
13. Your partner attempts to intentionally inflict emotional, physical, verbal or mental pain onto you.
14. You don’t feel your partner values your happiness.
15. Your partner attempts to force or shame you into doing things you don’t want to do.
16. You need to perpetually rescue your partner from him or herself—including his/her words, behaviors or conduct. Or your partner is substance addicted and therefore not fully in control of his/her actions.
17. Your partner repeatedly berates you, criticizes you or attempts to make you feel inadequate. That can lead you to feel the need to prove your worth over and over again to your partner, which is a hard way to live.
18. You don’t feel that what matters to you matters to your partner.

The post 18 Signs That It’s Time to Let Go of a Relationship appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

Better yet, break the above question down into smaller segments.  On an A B C D F scale, using (+) or (–) to more fully adjust your grade, what grade in your relationship would you give yourself in the following categories?

___  How affectionate are you?

___  How romantic?

___  How sexy?

___  How generous?

___  How trusting?

___  How kind are you?

___  How much fun are you to be around?

___  How emotionally present are you around your mate?

___  How physically present are you around your mate?

___  How sensitive and compassionate are you to your mate’s feelings?

___  How good a listener are you with your partner?

___  How emotionally nurturing are you?

___  How physically nurturing?

___  How financially nurturing?

___  How much of a friend are you to your intimate partner?

___  How in control of your negative emotions are you, such as anger, volatility, insecurity, jealousy, anxiety, fear and mistrust?

___  Showing your mate that you value him/her.

___  How affectionate and physically tender are you?

___  How affectionate and physically tender are you without ulterior motives?

___  How responsive and accommodating are you to what your partner says s/he wants or needs?

___  How financially responsible and accountable are you?

___  How respectful are you of your partner?

___  Overall, how much effort do you give to your relationship?

___  Your level of commitment.

___  Your flexibility and receptivity to other ways of seeing or doing things.

___  Your willingness to address difficult issues or deal with conflicts proactively.

___  Your willingness and ability to engage in a disagreement wisely and effectively

___  Your overall attitude in the relationship.

___  Your sense of humor.

___  The division of chores, roles, responsibilities, duties.

___  Behaving, thinking and planning as a couple rather than as two individuals.

___  The time, attention, effort, skill and patience you bring to parenting.

___  How you operate as a team player in the relationship.

___  Your ability and willingness to make up after a fight or a disagreement.

Most of us have this notion that we’re going to find the right person to be with and then we’ll be deliriously happy, content and fulfilled in our intimate relationship.  Seldom do we think about being the right person—making ourselves the best intimate partners we can possibly be.  Being more romantic, more loving, more giving, more communicative, more compassionate and more in charge of our negative emotions and reactions.

What might you gain if you committed yourself to improving some of these grades? If that interests you, explore the following questions carefully:  If you were going to improve some of your grades, what would you have to do differently?  What would you have to quit doing?  When will you agree to earnestly begin?  How will you keep yourself motivated when the going gets rough?  What could you say to your partner when you’re falling down on the job or when you need help?

The post Quiz: What Grade Would You Get in Your Relationship? appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

Dear Neil: I’ve been with a man for 21 months, but our relationship has been a constant roller coaster. He has issues with drinking, lying and keeping things from me. He has admitted to living like he was a single man while he’s been with me. Every fight he blames me for, throws a tantrum like a 3 year old and threatens to leave. We’ve been engaged for over a year, but his behavior holds me back from wanting to marry him. I don’t feel he is as committed as I am. Things always seem to be about his wants and needs—not mine. Any advice?

Stuck in Oldbury, United Kingdom

Dear Neil: I have been in a very serious relationship for over 2 years with my fiancé. Within that time he periodically becomes a completely different person, and has up and left the relationship perhaps 10 times. Recently he fell into this distant mood and it lasted a month. When I told him I was here for him and we would work it out together, he got even more distant. He claims he doesn’t mean it, and that he is not being himself. But this takes an obscene emotional toll on me, and I can’t keep letting him do this. Do I need to let him go?

Lost in New York

Dear Stuck and Lost: This feels like a rerun of the old movie/book about Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde—a person who turns into someone entirely different. Although there are several personality disorders that may fit these behaviors (narcissistic, borderline, dissociative disorder and perhaps alcohol addiction and commitment phobia), I am only going to concentrate on what I would recommend the two of you do about your respective predicaments.

So first I’m going to state the obvious. If it feels like you are more committed to a relationship than your partner is—you’re probably right. You have more invested and are trying harder than your fiancé is. Second, you are both engaged to men that are not acting as if they are wanting to be engaged to you, which is a very bad sign. Third, if this is what engagement looks and feels like, when people are known to be on their best behavior, what do you think marriage would be like with these men? If they can’t behave in a loving and committed way while engaged, you are not likely to have a happy or stable relationship in marriage.

My advice to both of you: end these relationships. You’re not in a relationship you can trust and rely on. Marriage is supposed to make you feel you’re better off with someone than you are alone. To me the both of you would be better off alone—or with someone else.

The post Help! I’m Engaged to Dr. Jeckyl AND Mr. Hyde appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

If you have someone in your life you can’t fully trust, or someone whose trustworthiness you’re unsure of, take this quiz, courtesy of Dory Hollander in her book: 101 Lies Men Tell Women (Harper Perennial Publishers). Although this was meant for women to evaluate men, it works equally well whether you’re evaluating a male or a female.

Answer each question yes or no.

1. Does s/he lie even when there’s nothing to gain from the lie?
2. Is lying a natural knee-jerk reaction for him?
3. Does her self-worth rise and fall based on other people’s perceptions of her?
4. Have you caught him/her consistently lying over time?
5. Does s/he lie about trivial things?
6. Did you notice that s/he lied about a couple of small things the first several times you met?
7. Does s/he offer enticing promises, but fails to deliver time after time?
8. Has he structured time in such a way that he isn’t accountable to you or to people in authority?
9. Does s/he show a consistent pattern of exaggeration or creative embellishment as if reality is never enough?
10. Does s/he fictionalize accounts of events even when you were present and know it didn’t happen that way?
11. Does s/he have ready answers that are used to get him/her off the hook or excuse him/her?
12. Does s/he fabricate tall tales about his/her past, occupation or finances?
13. Does s/he make a point of guarding his/her privacy, keeping secrets and giving you very little information—or giving you information only on a need-to-know basis?
14. Does s/he show an insatiable need for approval and praise?
15. Does s/he brag about his/her material possessions well beyond their actual worth?
16. Does s/he offer fantastic excuses for even small infractions?
17. Does s/he show little empathy or remorse of past or current victims of his/her lies or schemes?
18. Does s/he keep various parts of his/her life partitioned off, so you don’t see his/her friends, coworkers or family?
19. Does s/he feign major illness or frequent disease in order to be taken care of or to get sympathy?
20. Does s/he habitually treat rules as if they apply to other people but not to him/her?
21. Does s/he have one specialty that s/he lies frequently about, like money, other men/women, the price of his/her clothing, how s/he spends his/her time, his/her business dealings?
22. Does s/he have a history of antisocial behavior that includes two or more of the following: cheating on exams, taxes or applications; violating professional ethics; repeated pattern of traffic violations or trouble with the law; shady business deals?
23. Does s/he come from a family where lying, cheating or breaking the rules was the accepted norm?
24. Does s/he have a history of alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual addiction or workaholism?
25. Does everything in his/her world have to be perfect?

Scoring: If you have five or more “yes” answers, you are in relationship with a troubled individual, and trust is going to be a major problem in your relationship.

So what can you do if you’re in a relationship with someone you can’t trust? For starters, Hollander advises to pay more attention to his actions instead of his words. Don’t make excuses for her lies or bad behavior. Refuse to ignore smoking guns. Confront a lie even if it makes you uncomfortable to do so. Know where your bottom line is—is exclusivity an immutable, cornerstone condition of your intimate relationship, for example? Know what you would need in order to be able to trust again, and know when to say “enough” and pull the plug.

The post Quiz: Are You Dating a Liar? appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

Dear Neil: My boyfriend and I have recently been having communication issues, and he suggested “taking a break.” What exactly does it mean to take a break? We talked about seeing other people and figuring out where each of us is headed. He also suggested we could get together in a month to talk about whether we wanted to continue the relationship. Is this normal, or is he trying to distance himself so that the breakup is easier? What do I need to work on before we get together again and talk about it?

Taking a Break in Longmont, Colorado

Dear Taking a Break: He could be testing you. When he says “let’s take a break,” do you protest? Do you say you couldn’t go that long without him? Do you declare your everlasting love and devotion to him? Some people feel insecure, and they say “let’s take a break” or “let’s break up” as a way of gauging how committed you are to them. Also, your boyfriend may be testing himself and how he feels about you. Does he miss you after a month? Think about you when he’s not with you? He could be testing how he feels without you, and how devoted, committed or attracted he is to you.

However, he might have someone else in mind and would like to test the waters with another while still keeping you on the line. If the other relationship works out, then he will presumably call it off with you. If it doesn’t work out, he is in the position to come back to you.

And yes, your guess could be correct—he could be leaning toward breaking up with you. He might be saying that he just doesn’t feel close or connected enough to remain in the relationship with you, and a month off might give him the perspective about whether he wants you or not. A month off will likely make the relationship feel more distant or further away, and therefore easier for him to call things off if he so wishes.

What you can do during the month is to carefully look at how you feel about him, and whether you think this guy is a good choice for you. How devoted or emotionally attached are you to him? This month-long break is not just about how he feels toward you, it’s looking at how you feel in a relationship with him. How close do you feel to him, and how compatible and connected are the two of you? Do you think this relationship has a promising future, or does it exist as a port in the storm or primarily to relieve loneliness?

If you want this guy, clearly express that to him. If you feel so-so about him after a month, you have a decision to make. Do you want to attempt to deepen this relationship, or let it go?

The post What Does it Mean to “Take a Break?” appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

Dear Neil: You recently reprinted a letter from a woman who was wondering why she and her husband were no longer having sex. Of all the reasons you offered about why couples quit having sex, you ignored the issue of being physically limited. My husband was diagnosed with diabetes. Despite our best efforts and modern meds, our sex life has diminished over the last 10 years to nearly nothing. I wish there was more acknowledgment about this.

It’s Not Our Fault in San Diego, California

Dear San Diego: You’re right. I missed an important reason why people quit having sex. Thanks for correcting me.

Dear Neil: In one of your recent newspaper articles, you wrote about a woman in an 8 year relationship who has broken up with a man 5 times. She said he has poor finances, he has had many relationships and he has been divorced. I think he should be seeing a psychotherapist—not her as you suggested—about what he is doing that make women leave him. Also, does she have a lot to lose financially? She may be better off alone.

There Are Good Reasons to Not Marry in Denver

Dear Good Reasons: Although what you say may be true, it is also true that the woman you are referring to described the man as her “soul mate,” and said she wanted to devote herself to him without so much fear. Financial fears could easily be addressed with a prenuptial agreement, which is often what happens for people who marry later in life. But if he were doing things that would make a woman leave him, I think after 8 years she would know, and she didn’t mention it.

Dear Neil: You recently wrote an article about a man who accused a woman of being manipulative, inappropriate and childish because she cried easily. The issue you didn’t mention was how boys have been socialized to not be cry-babies. Society does not expect its heroes to cry. As a man, I grew up trained to be stoical. Now I have to decondition myself to accept situations where tears may be an important and appropriate response.

I Don’t Cry Either in Wellington, New Zealand

Dear Wellington: A man not crying himself is completely different from him being intolerant of a woman who does cry. Being a person is about having and expressing emotions. A man touched by emotions is not a cry-baby. He’s a human being, and he has feelings. Sometimes those feelings devastate us. Tears are one way people express their hurt and pain.

The post Readers Respond to Recent Relationship Advice appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

Dear Neil: 12 years ago, I met a man who I fell in love with, but the relationship never went any further than a friendship. Ever since then, I regret not having made my feelings clear to him. I am now in a long-term committed relationship with a man I love. But I periodically think of this man from my past, and even run into him occasionally because we live in the same city. Each time I have the same feelings I had for him before.

He is also in a long-term committed relationship, and we both have children. I have no wish to be unfaithful to my partner, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling that maybe we were meant to be together. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize either of our relationships, but as time goes by I feel more and more that life is so short that you have to tell people when you feel this way about them.

I want to be able to move on from this so I feel completely invested in my own life, and to not fear that when things get hard that I will feel I made a mistake. Should I tell this guy how I feel? I just need some closure.

Is the Past Really Dead?

Dear Past: The most likely outcome of you acting on your long-held fantasy is that you will be inviting one of two responses. The first is that he will not share the erotic fantasies you have for him, and you will feel rejected. The second is that he will respond to your overtures, in which case you are likely to be flooded with desire, temptation and enormous inner turbulence—and you will risk the stability of the family and the relationship you already have, not to mention his family and his relationship.

The wisest thing for you to do is to do nothing, and let your fantasy remain a fantasy. You no-doubt know that the chances of the two of you breaking up your families and attempting to create a blended family by throwing strange children together is quite formidable. Add in there a spattering of guilt, along with a couple of ex’s who just possibly might do everything they can to undermine your new living arrangements, and you will be inviting an enormous headache and a profound heartache for everyone involved, including your children who will be right in the middle of all those potentially angry and tumultuous emotions.

And who knows that the two of you would make good partners, good friends or good parents together? Who knows that the two of you are actually compatible, or that you have similar interests and goals? Who knows that the two of you want the same things in life, that your families would accept each other or that you would even like each other after the lustful feelings faded?

Keep your fantasy a fantasy, and make your life, your current relationship and your family the happiest it can be. Sometimes fantasies are better as dreams than they are in reality.

The post Should I Consider Breaking up My Family for a Man I Have Coveted for Years? appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.