Can I Save My Marriage? What to Do When Your Relationship Is in Serious Trouble

If you’re searching for ways to save your marriage, something has probably happened that frightened you.

Perhaps your spouse has said, “I don’t know if I want to stay married.”

Maybe divorce or separation has been mentioned. Your partner may have emotionally withdrawn. You may be fighting constantly—or barely talking at all. Trust may have been damaged. Perhaps you’ve tried marriage counseling and you’re still stuck.

Or nothing dramatic may have happened. You simply feel your marriage slipping away and don’t know how to stop it.

The first thing to understand is that a marriage can be in serious trouble without necessarily being beyond repair.

But saving a troubled marriage usually requires more than trying harder, communicating more, or promising each other that things will be different.

You need to understand what happened between the two of you, what keeps the relationship stuck, and what would genuinely have to change.

Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?

There is no simple test that can tell you whether a marriage can be saved.

A great deal depends upon what has happened, how long the problems have existed, whether trust has been damaged, how emotionally disconnected you’ve become, and—most importantly—whether both people are willing to participate in discovering whether the relationship can be repaired.

Even serious problems don’t automatically mean that a marriage is over.

I’ve worked with couples who arrived deeply discouraged, angry, disconnected and uncertain about their future together.

The important question isn’t whether your marriage is currently in trouble.

It is:

Is there enough willingness remaining between the two of you to seriously examine what went wrong and find out whether something different is still possible?

What If I’m the Only One Trying to Save the Marriage?

This is one of the most painful positions a husband or wife can be in.

You may be desperately searching for answers while your spouse seems emotionally finished.

You want to talk. Your spouse doesn’t.

You want counseling. Your spouse isn’t sure.

You want reassurance that the marriage can be saved, while your partner may be saying, “I don’t know how I feel anymore.”

Trying harder can sometimes make this situation worse.

The more urgently one person pursues the relationship, the more pressured the uncertain partner may feel. The more that person withdraws, the more frightened the other becomes—and the harder they pursue.

You cannot single-handedly repair a two-person relationship.

But your spouse does not necessarily have to arrive saying, “I’m completely committed to saving our marriage.”

There is an important difference between:

“I definitely want out.”

and

“I don’t know whether this marriage can be fixed.”

Uncertainty can sometimes be worked with.

If your spouse is willing to seriously explore whether the relationship can be repaired—even without promising the outcome—that may be enough to begin.

Why Isn’t Trying Harder Working?

Most marriages in serious trouble aren’t suffering because nobody has tried.

Usually both people have tried—just in very different ways.

One partner may repeatedly bring up the problems because they desperately want them resolved. The other experiences those conversations as criticism or pressure and becomes defensive or withdraws.

The first person then feels even more abandoned and pushes harder.

Eventually both partners believe the other person is the reason nothing changes.

This is one of the painful paradoxes of distressed relationships:

The things each person does to protect the relationship—or protect themselves—can unintentionally make the problem worse.

That’s why simply deciding to “communicate better” often isn’t enough.

The two of you need to understand the pattern you’re caught in and learn how to respond differently when that pattern appears.

What If We’ve Hurt Each Other Too Much?

Some marriages aren’t struggling because of poor communication alone.

There may be years of resentment.

Things may have been said that neither person can forget.

One partner may have repeatedly felt rejected, criticized, controlled, neglected or emotionally abandoned.

Trust may have been broken.

When injuries accumulate, couples often begin reacting not just to what is happening today but to everything that happened before.

A small disagreement carries the emotional weight of ten years of previous disagreements.

Repair requires more than agreeing to stop fighting.

The injuries themselves may need to be understood and addressed.

That includes helping the hurt partner feel genuinely heard while helping the other partner understand the impact of what happened without becoming overwhelmed by blame or defensiveness.

What If We’ve Already Tried Marriage Counseling?

Trying couples therapy and still being in trouble doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage cannot be helped.

Sometimes the couple has gained insight but hasn’t been able to translate that insight into enough change.

Sometimes there simply hasn’t been enough time.

A 50-minute appointment can end just when you’ve finally reached the heart of something important. Then you return to your regular lives, another conflict occurs, and the following week’s appointment may be devoted to the newest crisis.

For some couples, particularly those facing separation or divorce, a more concentrated approach may be worth considering.

When Weekly Therapy Isn’t Enough: A Private Marriage Intensive

At Colorado Marriage Retreats, I work privately with one couple at a time for 5–6 hours a day over 2–5 consecutive days.

There are no groups.

There are no workshops.

There are no other couples participating in your sessions.

For several uninterrupted days, our attention is devoted entirely to your relationship.

That gives us time to understand the patterns that brought your marriage to this point, work through longstanding conflicts and resentments, address emotional withdrawal or damaged trust, and help you begin interacting differently while we’re together.

We don’t simply talk about what went wrong.

When the familiar pattern between you appears in the room, we can slow it down and work with it while it is actually happening.

What Would We Work On?

Every marriage is different, so there is no standard program.

Depending upon what has happened between you, our work may include:

• Understanding why the same conflicts keep repeating

• Reducing criticism, anger and defensiveness

• Addressing emotional withdrawal

• Working through longstanding resentment

• Repairing unresolved emotional injuries

• Rebuilding trust when it has been damaged

• Learning how to discuss difficult subjects without escalating

• Helping each person feel more accurately heard and understood

• Rebuilding emotional closeness

• Clarifying what each partner needs from the marriage

• Determining what would genuinely have to change for the relationship to work

The goal isn’t to convince you to stay married.

The goal is to give the two of you an opportunity to understand what has happened and determine whether meaningful repair is possible.

What If My Spouse Wants a Divorce and I Don’t?

This deserves to be taken seriously.

You cannot force someone to remain married, and pressure, pleading, arguing or repeatedly trying to persuade a reluctant spouse often creates even more distance.

But wanting a divorce and being completely certain about a divorce aren’t always the same thing.

Sometimes a partner says, “I want a divorce,” when what they mean is:

“I can’t continue living in this marriage the way it has been.”

Those are not identical statements.

If your spouse is willing to spend several days honestly examining what happened, what would need to change, and whether those changes are realistically possible, there may still be meaningful work to do.

No outcome can be promised.

But sometimes the question worth answering before making an irreversible decision is:

“Have we really done everything we can to find out whether this marriage can be repaired?”

Can a Marriage Intensive Save My Marriage?

No ethical therapist can promise to save your marriage.

I wouldn’t make that promise to you.

An intensive cannot erase the past, guarantee forgiveness, or make another person want something they don’t want.

What it can provide is something many distressed couples have never had:

enough uninterrupted time to seriously understand what has happened between them and work on changing it.

For some couples, that leads to renewed hope and a path toward rebuilding.

For others, the work may clarify what each person is willing—or unwilling—to change.

Either way, the purpose is to replace confusion and repetitive conflict with greater understanding of what is actually possible.

Who Will We Work With?

You will work directly with me, Neil Rosenthal.

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and have worked with individuals and couples for 46 years. I am the author of a #1 bestselling relationship book and more than 1,000 relationship articles published in newspapers around the world.

My practice is devoted to private couples intensives.

I’ve worked with couples facing serious conflict, years of resentment, emotional disconnection, damaged trust and uncertainty about whether their marriage can survive.

You will not be assigned to another therapist.

When you come here, you work with me.

How Does the Intensive Work?

Private marriage intensives generally last 2–5 days, with approximately 5–6 hours of therapy each day.

Couples come to Colorado from across the United States.

Before scheduling an intensive, I speak with you so I can learn more about what is happening, answer your questions and help determine whether this approach is appropriate for your situation.

Are You Trying to Save Your Marriage?

You don’t have to know whether your marriage can be saved before contacting me.

That’s part of what we need to understand.

And you don’t have to commit to an intensive simply to talk with me.

If your marriage is in serious trouble and the two of you are willing to explore whether it can be repaired, I offer a complimentary telephone consultation.

Call Neil Rosenthal at 720-331-5564.

Not ready to call? Send me a private message describing briefly what is happening in your marriage. I will personally respond.