Dear Neil: I am torn between helping my unemployed sister out or thinking that I am just enabling her. My sister hasn’t worked for legal tender in years. I have agreed to pay her rent of $750 per month for her 1 bedroom apartment this past year, with the agreement that she would start to pick up a portion, if not all of the bill when she started working. But in the past year she has worked a total of 5 hours. She has been self-employed doing businesses with a spiritual flare, but in today’s economy, people don’t have the disposable income for my sister’s advice. She’s been spending $250 an hour on astrology services, and she is now off to Chicago to attend a two-day course to get a laughing/yoga certificate, but she will be visiting friends and family for two weeks while she’s there.

Now that I am paying her rent, I am the broke one, unable to afford Christmas on my end. I am also at my wits end. Every time I mention a job I am told how hard she’s looking, how many resumes she’s sent out and how hard she works on her business. She easily can dismiss a potential job she doesn’t really want to do. Recently she told me she has just enough money for 3 more months—and then she’ll need to give her car back and turn off the utilities. I think she wants me to pay for those bills too, but I can’t—and I won’t.

My third sister and I have asked our husbands if she can move in when her lease is up—and they each have answered “no, tell her to get a job.” My third sister has been fighting with her husband about this issue, and it’s becoming bad for their relationship (she has also paid a year’s rent for my unemployed sister). People tell me that we are enabling her behavior, but how do we let her live on the street?

Going Broke in Colorado

Dear Colorado: Here’s what you just said. Your sister can afford expensive astrology services, paying for a class to become a laughing instructor, travel expenses and a two-week vacation, but she can’t afford to pay her own rent, utilities or car payment. Meanwhile, you and your other sister are agonizing over her untenable situation, feeling more responsibility for her than she apparently feels for herself.

I understand that we’re talking about your sister, and that you and your third sister have come through for her like the kind, caring, loving and gracious people you clearly are. But your unemployed sister has got to start living in the real world, and that means she has to carry her own weight and not be a constant burden on others. Living in the real world also means paying important bills before all else, and especially before fun, personal indulgences, vacations and the like.

Here’s what I would recommend you do. I would tell her you are running out of money, so you will only be able to pay her rent for another three months, and then you will have to stop completely (if you’re able and willing to, you could drop your contribution down to half her rent, or a third). That will hopefully give her a three-month window to acquire a sense of urgency about her situation. It’s one thing to hold out for what you’d really like to do when someone is largely supporting you, and it’s quite another thing when you realize that you can’t afford to be picky anymore because your whole world is about to collapse. At least we hope that’s how she will feel.

Of course it will be rough on you (and your other sister) if she is evicted from her apartment and is forced to sleep on friend’s sofas, but it may be the best wake-up call for her. If she actually becomes homeless, you and your other sister might assist your husband’s to soften so that you can give her a place to stay for a short while, but not for long—she can’t keep relying on others to bail her out. She might hate you for a time—because it sounds like she is acting entitled—but if you keep paying her rent indefinitely, you’re going to grow so resentful and angry that your relationship with her will sour anyway. If she lands a job, but can’t quite cover all her essential bills, then you might offer to supplement her income a little. And if anyone you know has a job opening, even for a menial job, you might see if you can refer them to your sister, but in the end, this is her battle to fight.

When you are in the position of enabling someone to chronically be dependent on you, when they are otherwise capable and able-bodied, you are inadvertently assisting them to never be able to rely on themselves, to never learn how to be independent and self-sufficient, and to never actually grow up.

The post Do I Pay My Sister’s Rent, or Let Her Live On The Street? appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

Note: This is the second of a two-part series.

Is there a troubled adult who you are close to? I’m referring to someone who is manipulative, needy, dishonest or abusive. Or perhaps you love someone who is addicted to a substance, or someone who is out of control with gambling, sex, shopping, work, exercise or other activities. Perhaps your troubled loved one (TLO) is angry, aggressive, intimating or physically dangerous. Or maybe s/he is lazy, or suicidal, or has emotional problems or disabilities that make it difficult for him or her to handle adult responsibilities.

If this describes someone you care about or are close to—or who you are trying to be close to—Bill Klatte and Kate Thompson offer some suggestions to assist you in understanding the dilemma you’re in and what you might do about it—in their book It’s So Hard to Love You (New Harbinger):

First, review what you’ve already done to try to assist your TLO or to help solve his/her problems. (Have you worked twice as hard to make up for what s/he doesn’t do? Begged, cried, yelled or threatened to leave? Taken the blame for things you didn’t do? Given more and more money? What else?)

What do you think about this whole situation? Do you think, for instance, that his/her behavior is your fault? That you’re going to be judged if you refuse to hang in there with him or her? That something is wrong with you?

What do you feel about all of this? (Hopeless, responsible, unappreciated, overwhelmed, worried, trapped, protective, bullied, resentful, alone? What else?)

What traits describe your TLO? (S/he repeats the same mistakes over and over again, makes poor decisions, misjudges people or situations, lacks common sense or wisdom, is insecure, self-centered, etc.?)

How frequently does s/he engage in frustrating or harmful behaviors? Which behaviors are the most harmful, and whom do they harm? Which behaviors cause you the most distress? How long has s/he been this way?

Here are some things you can do if you’re not going to let your TLO control your life, destroy your happiness or overwhelm you with emotion. First, give up the fantasy that your difficult loved one will get it, or that you can change him or her. You must stop waiting for your TLO to see the light. Second, openly speak your truth. Be assertive without being threatening. If you’re angry, say so. If you want something, ask for it. If you don’t want to do something, say so. It’s your responsibility to speak up and clearly communicate what you feel, want and need.

Third, learn to set boundaries with your TLO, by clearly stating (and holding to) what you will and won’t do, and what you will and won’t accept. Holding to your boundaries protects you from poor treatment. You’re simply communicating your limits so you don’t feel so used, taken advantage of or abused. Finally, you must take better care of yourself. That includes finding ways to have fun, to explore what interests or excites you and to be able to relax. In order to do this, you must pay attention to your own needs and wants more than you do now.

The post Troubled Loved Ones (Part 2) appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

Do you know someone who is hard to love? Someone you care about who is extremely irresponsible, hateful, dishonest, criminal, substance addicted, out of control, who takes unfair advantage of other people or who has overwhelming long-term problems that make it difficult for him/her to handle adult responsibilities?

Bill Klatte and Kate Thompson have a name for such people: “Troublesome loved ones”—or TLO for short. The phrase refers to adult relatives, friends, adult children, siblings, parents, spouses or lovers who repeatedly engage in behaviors that seriously harm themselves or others, and who make the same kind of mistakes over and over again because they don’t seem to learn from their past.

We are not referring to a child going through financial difficulties or a friend who drinks too much and becomes obnoxious. We’re talking about truly troubled people who allow themselves to be used, or who harm others, or make a series of very damaging, hurtful or self-sabotaging choices. They may abuse alcohol or drugs, engage in self-harming behaviors, not take care of themselves or the people who rely on them, blow the mortgage payment on something frivolous or get themselves repeatedly fired from their jobs because they can’t show up to work on time.

Klatte and Thompson list some of the most common troubling behaviors in their book It’s So Hard to Love You (New Harbinger). They say that troubled loved ones are prone to at least one of the following:

• They break promises and don’t complete tasks. He fails to keep appointments, doesn’t call, doesn’t follow through, leaves projects unfinished or is late.
• They’re manipulative. She will twist circumstances or words, get angry or intimidating so you’ll give in or threaten you in order to get her way.
• They lose their temper. They get irritable easily, blow up in public, strike out physically, throw things, swear or call you names.
• Are critical and negative. He complains a lot. Looks for what’s wrong about a person or a situation.
• Get in trouble with the law. She gets frequent traffic tickets, loses her driver’s license, passes bad checks, steals and gets arrested for disorderly conduct or domestic violence. Claims that other people are the cause of her behaviors.
• They quit jobs or get fired frequently. Unmanageable conflicts with others are common.
• They mismanage money or fail to take care of possessions. He chronically struggles with unpaid bills and loans, unmanageable credit card debt, or other money problems that are the result of his own poor decisions or choices.
• They refuse to plan or participate. Doesn’t plan for retirement, the children’s education, vacations or special occasions—or doesn’t participate in the above.
• They lie. The phone call saying he has to work late turns out to have come from another woman’s apartment. Says that things are great at work until you fund out that she got fired.
• They move frequently.
• May neglect or abuse children. May neglect a child’s needs, expose them to adult situations, and leave them alone or with an irresponsible care giver.
• They choose unwise and unhealthy friends or intimate partners to be with.
• They sabotage relationships. Will often behave in ways that forces someone to leave.
• They engage in risky behaviors. Drives recklessly, carries a weapon or sells drugs.
• They cut important people out of their lives, such as parents, children or family.

The post Troubled Loved Ones (Part 1) appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.