Dear Neil: Last year things began to change drastically in my three and a half year relationship. We had made plans to get married when suddenly he stopped treating me with the respect he always had, he was angry, blamed me for things, told me he needed time to himself to sort things out, rented a place of his own and wouldn’t tell me where his apartment was (I still don’t know), he begin lying to me about where he was and what he was doing, and he virtually had no time for me at all. It was almost like he was intentionally doing things that would destroy our relationship.

After four months of this, I asked him to leave. But after a couple of weeks he was back. This “leave-come back” scenario (keeps being) played out. We still are having sex, and he continues to give me hope that we will work things out.

We have been on a serious emotional roller coaster ride. It goes something like this: he threatens to leave or does leave; I cry, then resolve to move on with my life; I no longer let myself be available at will for him; as soon as he feels that he is losing me, he comes back, apologizes and starts acting nice again; once he feels secure in the situation, the cycle starts all over again.

How do you get off the roller coaster?

C from Aurora, Colorado

This story is known by several names: the “I want you/I don’t want you” scenario, the “break up/make up/break up” relationship, the “leave/come back/leave” syndrome, or the “I can’t be with you but I can’t be without you” theme.

What is really happening?

• One person is really trying to break it off and find another partner, but doesn’t want to have to say it’s over, because then they won’t have anyone while they’re looking for another. They’re hoping to maintain one relationship while shopping for another.
• One person has already found another, but doesn’t wish to hurt the other person’s feelings by breaking the relationship off. They figure if they just don’t offer you much, you’ll eventually get fed up and leave on your own.
• Some people are commitment phobic, unable or unwilling to make a commitment to an intimate partner. Regardless of what you do, or of how loving or giving you are, they don’t want a committed relationship with you.
• Some people lack integrity. They intentionally mislead others into believing in and hoping for a wonderful future, but have no real intention of following through.
• They’re users: they use people who let them. One person is trying to have and keep two relationships at the same time.
• Safety. It’s safer to sit on the fence and not commit to anyone, than it is to subject yourself to possible rejection, failure, vulnerability and all the work that ongoing intimate relationships demand.

It sounds to me that you’ve been unwilling to get the message that for whatever reason, he has lost interest in you. He no longer wants you, and he is no longer trying. Get the message already.

The post Leave/Come Back/Leave Relationships appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

Dear Neil:  I am 23 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for three years.  I have grown to realize that he is a wonderful guy with all the great qualities you’d want, and he treats me very well.  He’s the kind of guy you could settle down with and marry.  The problem is me.

I go through phases.  Sometimes I am completely in love and want to get married.  I even plan the wedding having dreamt about my wedding, since I was little girl.  But when my boyfriend first started agreeing about getting married, it really scared me.

My other “phase” with my boyfriend is just wanting to be single again.  I fantasize about other boys I meet and think maybe they will be more exciting.  My boyfriend and I are opposites, personally wise.  I usually have my head in the clouds and am pretty high strung, but he is generally on an even keel.  He keeps me grounded and puts up with my extremes.

Basically I go from one extreme to another when thinking about our relationship.  Maybe I am just bored in the relationship.  I crave excitement, drama and problems, and usually end up picking at things in our relationship just to create a problem that we need to solve.  My boyfriend, bless his heart, picks up on the fact that I am creating my own problem, and he is good about understanding me.  He loves me with all his heart, and gives me everything I could ask for.  He respects me and treats me well.  We hardly fight about anything major and have the same values.  The two of us would make a great couple—but I am terrified to commit.  I don’t feel that I know myself yet, and sometimes I think that what I want in life could change.

I think the answer I want is that I should marry him.

Confused in the Rocky Mountains

Dear Confused:  Although your boyfriend sounds wonderful, you are not ready to marry him.  The advice I will offer you is twofold.  First, quit giving your boyfriend double messages about your feelings and intentions.  (“I want to marry you.  No wait, maybe not.  You’re such a good catch.  No wait….”)

Second, perhaps you’re right in saying that you crave drama and problems in your relationship, because it sounds like you are attempting to destabilize things in order to feel greater stimulation.  This craving for excitement can, if you’re not careful, put you in danger of sabotaging the relationship and destroying the trust between you.

Perhaps you could channel this craving for more stimulation in a more positive way.  Why don’t you and your boyfriend create a joint list of all the ways the two of you could add excitement or novelty to the relationship—and commit to doing them together.  This would allow you to transform your desire for drama into a trip to India, for instance, or perhaps a raft trip through the Grand Canyon, or a dance class together, or a remodeling project around your home, to name a few.

The goal is to keep the relationship with your boyfriend stable, so you can make a more level-headed decision about the future you would like to have.

The post Why Can’t I Commit To My Boyfriend? appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

It is called ambivalence.

Ambivalence is about receiving the double message “ I want you more than anything, but I have a lot of other priorities as well, so don’t expect a lot from me,” or “I want our relationship to be as intimate as possible, but I’m not going to allow myself to get too close—just in case things don’t work out between us,” or “You’re the most important person in the world to me, but all the same I’m going to take another lover on the side, just in case.”

Similar to Hamlet, in his famous quote “’To be or not to be” soliloquy, you act indecisive, half-hearted and non-committal, thereby dampening or sabotaging the very relationship you claim to value so much.

Why do we act ambivalent in our intimate relationships?  Because we are afraid.  We fear being exposed.  We don’t want to be rejected.  We’re afraid of making the same mistakes we’ve made in the past.  We fear allowing ourselves to become too vulnerable.  We don’t want to risk being dumped and abandoned.  We fear being known.  We’re afraid of being tied down and trapped.  We don’t want to feel engulfed.  We fear losing our independence.    We don’t want to be controlled.  We’re afraid that anyone who gets to know us too well won’t want us anymore.

And that’s just a partial list.

This whole thing makes us nervous, frightened and reluctant.  So what do we do?  We act lukewarm, preoccupied, busy, unreliable, non-committal, judgmental, quick to anger or mistrusting toward our intimate partner—or we choose someone who behaves those ways toward us.  Either way, we are protected and safe.

But not happy.

If this describes you, or a recent relationship or yours, here’s what you can do:

• Name your fears.  Give voice to your feelings.  What threatens you?  Exactly what are you afraid of or worried about?  Write down your answers; they will be easier to explore and ponder.
• Learn how to calm and reassure yourself.  The goal is to reduce your anxiety so you can act wisely and effectively.
• Name your ambivalence.  Is it you who’s ambivalent—or your partner—or both of you?  What are you feeling ambivalent about?  See if you can put definition to why you are reluctant or reserved in this relationship.
• See if you can name your partner’s ambivalence.  What is s/he so hesitant about?  Why, would you guess, is s/he so reluctant?
• Openly discuss all of this with your partner.  Especially address any fears you have about not feeling good enough, not measuring up or being rejected.

Hopefully the two of you will be able to resolve the ambivalence in your relationship, thereby allowing your intimacy to move to the next level of closeness, trust and commitment.

The post The Hamlet Syndrome Revisited: Overcoming Ambivalence appeared first on Colorado Marriage Retreats.

Dear Neil:  I’m hoping you can help me figure out what I’m doing wrong in my romantic relationships.

I meet a nice man, we date several times, he starts to make intimations of getting closer, and I freak out and end our relationship.  I then meet another man.  We date a few times, I find myself increasingly attracted to him—but I wind up picking a fight and then dumping him.  I meet a third man.  We date for awhile.  He is very interested in me and starts getting emotionally involved—and I freak and run away again.

But I really do want a relationship with a man.  I fantasize about it all the time—and I’m always talking with my friends about men.

Why am I running away from a relationship I would actually like to have, and what can I do to change this behavior?

Running Away in Stonington, Connecticut

Dear Running Away:  It sounds as if you have a bad case of the Hamlet Syndrome.  You’re mired in ambivalence and indecision, just like Hamlet was in his famous “To Be or Not To Be” soliloquy.  You want a relationship, but on the other hand you don’t want a relationship, and you’re too frightened to let someone get close to you.

This ambivalence and fear is likely rooted in your childhood past—and is related to how well you could trust and rely on your parents or (adult caregivers), and how safe and protected you felt in their presence.  Either that, or you haven’t gotten over and truly let go of your last important relationship—and you’re therefore still emotionally attached to your previous intimate partner—even if that relationship ended a long time ago.

You’re acting ambivalent and hard to get close to because you’re protecting yourself from getting hurt.  But as I’ve said in the past, there’s no joy in being so emotionally held back, and in the end you risk becoming jaded, bitter and cynical—and having tons of regrets—for not allowing yourself to truly have what your heart and spirit craves.

So what do you do?  First, openly explore what your fears are about being in a relationship.  Be very specific about what you’re trying to avoid or protect yourself from.  Do you have a fear of making a mistake?  Repeating a mistake?  Feeling trapped?  Losing your freedom?

Second, look at relationship patterns about controlling and/or being controlled.  Do you have huge fears of being controlled by someone else, and therefore you feel a strong need to be in control yourself?

Third, answer the question:  “I’m afraid I won’t be able to cope with…”

Fourth, when you’re in a relationship, confront and address conflicts, issues and problems  as they arise, rather than bolting for the door and leaving the relationship when conflicts surface.  Do the same whenever your fears get triggered.

Fifth, thoroughly explore your fears about not being good enough or not measuring up.

Sixth, examine your fears of rejection and disapproval.

Take a time out from dating for awhile—say, six months—so you can examine the fears that are getting generated, and that are causing you to turn men away.  The timeout will assist you in regenerating your heart and spirit, and hopefully re-energize your dreams about what kind of intimate relationship you’re trying to have. 

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